Lessons from the 1st workweek of the year:

1. Meal Planning isn't sufficient for our household.  It works much better when the meal is fully (or almost fully) and ready to go at 4:45/5 PM.  Too much prep needed at the time of cooking means it will either not get done and we will just scavenge the house/fridge for packaged meals, or it will get done after substantial snacking around 5 plus dinner around 7.  This is not meeting our goal of eating less/healthier.

2. Focus on having meals prepped and ready to go and less on the actual meal planned for that day.  My planner has "Meatless Monday",  "Seafood Tues",  "Roast Anything Wed",  "Taco Thurs",  'Seafood Friday",  "Anything Goes Sat" and "Roast Sunday."  So far, none of those expected meals happened on the expected day (but Tacos tonight and seafood does look likely.)  Monday's meal got served last night as I finally had enough time to actually do the 15 min prep and get it going. 

What is working though is having the meals in the house and knowing what will go into them.  I have food in the house for five more meals and even if they aren't in the order that is expected, it is great to know generally what we have and what it will take to get it ready to go.  We had Monday's meal last night and Tuesday's meal (fish sticks) on Monday. 

3.  Days will go more smoothly if prepped snacks are included.  I have salad that still isn't chopped up.  But the carrots, celery, and peppers that were chopped up are used.  YUM.

4.  The Instant Pot and slow cooker are incredible tools which are making this so much easier.

So full prep is really the key for this to work.  Last night I cooked up a ton of chicken, half shredded in the Instant Pot for Tacos tonight and half roasted for lunches.   Friday is a seafood chowder which will cook in the slow cooker all day (seafood in at the end.)

So I stepped up the prep last night and tonight and Friday are ready to go.

The husband and I went with our son for his annual check up last week.  He has always been tall,  he has consistently been in the 95% percentile for height and usually around 85% for weight.  At his age, this has now flagged him as just on the edge of being overweight.  It's the first time an MD has indicated that we need to watch his weight so he doesn't go over the line. 

My husband has always been tall and thin; just in the last two years has he gained any real weight in his life.  He was shocked and angry.   I've noticed since high school that my perception of someone else's weight was affected by how much I weighed at the time; for instance, now that I am obese, people who are overweight look pretty normal to me.  I became overweight in my early 30s and have bounced back and forth between being obese and overweight for the last decade, since having my son.  My son looks very normal to me;  I mean, I can see that he has filled out a bit looking at his school pictures this year vs last year, but I would not think he was overweight or even close to it.  Perception. GAH.

I do not want to start him on this horrible weight treadmill.  This has hugely increased my motivation to make this meal planning/prep thing work.

Starting a New Year with a New View

Welcoming in 2020

It's been such a long time since I've updated this blog.  I had a silent self-celebration on Dec 3rd,  as it was an anniversary, I stopped drinking five years ago!  It remains one of the best decisions of my life.  Just about every day something reminds me to be grateful for being sober.  I can't even count the number of beautiful and amazing things that have happened, or that I've been able to do, since I put alcohol aside and made room for so much more in life!

Half a decade later, and as I approach half a century overall of life,  I want to make some additional changes to further enjoy the opportunities and riches of life while also building strength to face life's challenges.   I am returning to the blog to create and document my plan, and to document the journey. This will also be a tool for my own self-accountability.

Broadly, my goal is to increase health for me personally and also for my family.   I am focused on physical health, spiritual health, and financial health. 

Physical Health: I need to lose a lot of weight- about 40 pounds.  In the past I've successfully lost up to 25 lbs using Weight Watchers and once again on low carb diets, but I have failed to keep them going.  As my husband and I have gotten busier at our jobs, we have stopped having regular home cooked meals with non-processed foods.  It's affecting me, my husband, and my son.  My son remains a healthy weight likely due to his sports and youth, but it's only a matter of time.   My job is also sedentary and I have not been exercising consistently. 

Part A:  Food
Goal:  Have at least 4 home cooked meals each week.
Goal:  Eat at least 5 servings of vegetables/fruits daily.  Limit fruits and focus primarily on veggies.
Plan to achieve goal:  Plan and prep meals on Sundays. Include:

• Plant-based breakfasts and lunches during Sunday planning/prep.  
• Ensure cut up carrot/celery/peppers/broccoli/cauliflower are available as nightly munchies.
• Cook up soup and stocks to ensure plant/based soups are available for snacks, lunches, and dinner

Part B:  Movement
Goal: Increase movement per Fitbit from 8k to 9k steps/day by the end of Feb and up to 10k the remaining months of the year
Goal: Complete at least one 5k with my son
Plan to achieve goal:  Walk at least 20 minutes per day and complete a Couch to 5k program.

Spiritual Health:  I've grown a lot in spiritual health over the last few years.  I was able to circle the square in regards to Christianity in my head and decided to go with the main messages.   I guess as part of Adulting, I've realized that having 100% agreement with anyone or any philosophy is a rare occurrence in real life.  I believe Jesus walked the earth and I believe primarily in his message, that works for me.  I grew up Catholic and haven't really read much of the Bible.  I'd like to change that and I'd also like to learn how to meditate.

Goal:  Increase knowledge and practice of spiritual texts and methods to generate feelings of peace and centeredness.
Plan to achieve goal:  Read at least one spiritual chapter or text weekly
Plan to achieve goal:  Meditate at least once weekly


Financial Health: This is a simple one (not easy, maybe not achievable, but the method is simple).  I want to increase  my retirement contributions.  My husband takes off 6 consecutive weeks each year unpaid;  this is required per his contract.   We live on my salary clearly when he is not working.  However, in 2020, our goal is to save my salary until we have a year's amount (bare bones) in cash.  This will likely take the full year.  We were able to save up 12 mortgage payments over the last two years;  we'll have to double that to get to a full year's savings.  Also, my take home will decrease since I'm increasing what is going into my retirement account. Glamorous, right?

Goal:   Increase retirement to maximum allowed in 401k and increase savings to full year in savings account.
Plan to achieve goal:  Automate paycheck settings to max 401k.   Update paycheck/workplace settings once Husband has completed his 6 weeks off (around early Feb) to deposit check into savings instead of checking. 
Plan to achieve goal:  Review spending/savings/ budget at least weekly to ensure we are staying on track.  Modify as needed.

Finances will start in Jan.  But physical and spiritual can start today.

It's Sunday so I am off to work out meal planning.  I'm off work tomorrow so will get meal prep done then.

Clear, Sane, Beautiful a Sober Holidays

Merry Christmas, happy holidays!

It's been a very busy week! I finished Christmas shopping, wrapped the presents, bought our goods for hosting Christmas dinner. My sister came home for the holidays, which was great! We've either hosted or gone out somewhere for the  past three days, and my mother-in-law is coming over tonight. It's the last of our holiday outings; we will spend the next week relaxing in our home.

Even though it's been busy, it's been lovely. I've felt relaxed, it's all gone smoothly. I tend to feel more grateful and aware of the superior loveliness of a life without booze on the holiday occasions, when there is so much of it around.  I sometimes worry that I'm becoming an alcohol nazi, because it all looks like alcohol addiction to me. I look at people in my family drinking, and very few people would ever think they had a problem, just like no one thought that I had a problem. But it still looks gross to me. Red faces, loud voices, exaggerated emotions, slurring words, "I better have some water, thanks" before drinking another three glasses so wine. That's "normal" in my family.

I am so incredibly grateful to be "abnormal", feeling good, clear-headed. I can't imagine ever willingly doing that to myself again. I do still have thoughts like "it would nice to have a drink" or "maybe someday I'll have a glass of wine", but these thoughts are fleeting. I know that the idea that alcohol has any benefit is a societal delusion.

One very beautiful thing this year is that my husband is not drinking. He has gone on a medication which is toxic to the liver, his doctor told him that he couldn't even have a glass of wine at Thanksgiving unless he did not mind ending up on a liver transplant list. He has had a few drinks on at least one, and I suspect two or three, occasions. But he has been almost entirely sober since early November, and it's rocked, at least for me. We are getting along incredibly well. He has appeared, and he's said, that this has been among his favorite Christmases ever, we've had a great time! He has another 7 months to go on the medication. I don't know what will happen once he's done the medication, but I am just going to enjoy it for now.

The Paradox of Alcohol

While I was on vacation, one of the adults, M, came up to me.  She had had a few drinks and was "finely tuned", shall we say.  M is a lovely person- very kind, friendly, caring.  She asked me,  "So you're not drinking at all?  It's so great that you're getting healthy and fit! Isn't it hard to stop drinking?"

"No, stopping drinking has actually been my favorite part!  Everything has come from that decision, it's like running and everything else feels great now."

"It's just a big thing to do though- not drinking!"

"No, it's not that big a deal really.  Once it's down it just fades into the background. Hey, Mom and I were talking about going kayaking tomorrow- do you want to come?"  I switched the subject and we moved on to something else.

It is such a funny thing, this drinking and not drinking.  It was and it wasn't hard to stop.  The actual not picking up a drinking is so easy, so simple.  

The trick is in the mindset.  It's tricky to change one's focus from drinking to, well, just about anything else.  It takes work and acceptance.  I will be forever grateful to authors Allen Carr and Jason Vale, because it was their work that showed me that there was nothing to gain from drinking. Both have the readers continue to drink while the book is being read, so that you can test their theories for yourself.  It sounds incredible to anyone who drinks but truly, there is just zero benefit to drinking.

Now, when I am with people who are drinking, I can see people who are basically "normies", who have one, maybe two beers over hours, and I can see that they are not getting anything really out of the drink. They aren't getting buzzed.  They are doing it to be "sociable" and might as well had a soda.   And I can see the rest of the people drinking being affected by the alcohol, and it no longer looks fun or enjoyable to me.  And certainly it is no fun to be trying to control the drinking, and this is so clear to see, at least with the women.  I see them trying to drink water between wines to manage to not get too drunk but still be able to drink; trying to wait for enough time to pass between drinks so they can get buzzed but not too buzzed; knowing they "should" stop but not wanting to, eyeing the bottle.  I did all of that, except I was going to drink more once they left or I got home. I don't know if any of the women in my group do that, probably not. I can say though, it is much less work to drink only tea or other non-alcoholic drinks!

One of the real eye-openers while I was on vacation was just how much LESS I think about drinking now.  And that includes going to one recovery meeting/week, plus reading blogs, listening to sober pod casts, etc.  I thought that I still had a pretty big focus on alcohol...until I was in a house full of drinkers.  Of the people there, I would guess that one or two have "alcohol problems", everyone else are just fairly heavy drinkers.  People were talking about drinking or actually drinking the entire day long.  They were talking about going to the beach, and having wine later.  Going kayaking and being so ready for that well-earned martini afterwards.  Going fishing and could they they bring beer.  Etc.

Outside of vacation, I often wonder if I would be thinking even less about alcohol if my husband didn't drink.

Because it has been true for me:  as time has gone on, I think about drinking less and less.  It's been nearly a full 10 months, and I spend the vast majority of my time focused on living life, enjoying my son, prepping for the next challenge, the next task.  I don't think about drinking when something good or bad happens, or when I've got something to celebrate.  One day I hope I think about it only very rarely, maybe at holidays because I'll be back around family. One day...

It's funny to me that something so little has the power to have such a huge effect on individuals, family, and society.  I look forward to the day when alcohol is just nothing to me,  because it is basically gone from my life.  I read or watch Jason Vale's latest work on juicing and fitness, and it sure looks like alcohol is but a passing thought to him. There is no alcohol in his juicing resorts. I doubt he has many drinkers around him at all.  He self-identifies as a "non-drinker".  I like that and will have a post up soon about it.

For now though, I am pondering that paradox, how something so small- just a drink!!!- could be so powerfully embedded into our culture.  We have a very powerful delusion going on, a fixed false belief that alcohol makes everything better.  It is among the most successful advertising in the world. Alcohol does not make anything better, and that is the truth.  It's just a neuron-killing high, it makes you think you feel better as it takes away your money, your health, your brain cells, your liver cells, your time, your memory.  No thanks. I'll stick with tea!

Calmer Skies Today

Ah, today has been a new day.  I read through Unsmashed's blog and it is awesome!  She is really inspirational. I can really relate to her early days of trying to keep everyone the same, and also she is one of the bloggers who live with a husband who still drinks and whose family is full of drinkers.

She made a smarter decision than I have re meetings. She went to more meetings, and she built up a good support group early on, once she hit her last Day One.  It has been suggested to me that I need to go to more meetings to stay sober.  My issue has been, I have only very rarely been tempted to drink.  Even my beer bottle "stare-downs" and "Better be sure of this because you're about to destroy your family" moments are not really about me drinking, they have been about me trying to avoid disrupting my family.  I have been fortunate (knock wood, anti-jinx) to not have much of a desire to drink.  So I haven't worried too much about hitting up meetings to counter-act the desire for a drink.

But I really, truly need to go to more meetings, meet more people, be in the company of people who live happily and freely without alcohol.  I haven't wanted to disrupt my husband and son's lives more and I've been loath to reply on my husband; but I am looking seriously at divorce, that is a major disruption, so might as well start small now, eh?  And maybe hopefully avoid the divorce thing.

This was a much calmer day.  My husband and I spent most of it together, running post-vacation errands while my mom watched our son.  It was peaceful and actually quite lovely.   We ended up holding hands and will be watching a movie together tonight.  If he opts to stay sober it might end up being a fabulous day.  These are the days I wish we could have every day.

I think I need to find an additional prayer.  When I was on vacation, "Bless them, heal me please" was my mantra. It was very helpful.  But maybe re my husband, maybe I need to double-down on the Serenity Prayer--  accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, wisdom to know the difference.  Really, maybe wisdom, acceptance, serenity is all that is needed.

I just don't know.  I want to be serene and reach indifference on whether or not the husband is drinking.  I just don't know if it is possible or even a smart goal.  His drinking doesn't affect my drinking; it is a tolerance issue on my end.  I don't want to invest my time, my heart, my future, into a partner who uses alcohol regularly.  I know it's not fair to him, and for sure it isn't fair to my son.

Well, it's been suggested to me that when I don't know what to do, to do nothing.  It goes against my nature to not make a plan of action, to not make contingencies. Well, I have them in my head already anyway.  But it was a lovely day today, I will just enjoy it.

Stranger in a Strange Land

So I am finally, gratefully, back home after a week-long vacation with my mom, my husband and son, my aunt and uncle, and my sister-in-law and her fella.  All of us in a big house on the beach, a day's drive from home.

This was our 3rd annual vacation together.  The last two times, I was watching and trying to moderate my drinking.  I was successful last year because I was sick; the year before I was much less successful.  This year, I wasn't drinking at all, happily.  I and my 4 year old son were the only ones not drinking.

I truly felt like a stranger in a strange land.  I was there, with people who I know and love, in the same house, the same beach, the same vacation environment.  Yet I was just completely separate from them.  They were focused on drinking.  Not everyone was a drunk idiot....but most of them were.  My husband woke me up at 3 AM one night because he and his sister and my aunt were getting into a drunk heated argument.  I told him to come to bed but he didn't, he went back out to argue longer.  I went back to sleep.

It was enlightening for me to see how much alcohol and drinking mattered to this group. That first glass of wine, beer, drink was the Ultimate Experience, What They Looked Forward To Most each day (several times/day), every day. It mattered that much to me, too, only 10 months ago.  I know how it felt from the inside- it looks even worse from the outside.  I had no idea how bad it looked until now.

I had a nice time being out on the beach.  I got in a few good runs.  My mom and my MIL and I went out kayaking, which was cool.  We all went out on a big fishing boat with my little one.  I spent as much time on my own as I could, reading on the beach, knitting by the pool.  My husband mostly hung out with my SIL and her fella, out fishing.

My son had a blast.  He loved being with his grandparents.  He loved the ocean.  He loved having everyone together.

For me though...this experience just infused me with more knowledge that my current marital/family situation will not stand much longer.  There is no way I am going to go on another one of these family vacations.  I'm not sure what I will say or do to explain it, but I have time to figure that out.

It could very well be moot anyway.  I have contingency plans for separation from the husband.  My program suggests that no major changes be made for the first year of sobriety, any my first year will be over on Dec 2nd.  My son is what really stops me-  my husband has made an attempt and has cut down on his drinking.  It just isn't enough for me personally.  Getting drunk weekly is not really significantly better than getting drunk most days of the week.  I mean, sure, it's "better", but I am not willing to live with either one.  He is not interested in quitting.  In an ideal world, he would want to quit.  In an ideal world, we would stay together.  I still love him very much. He is a great dad, a good guy, when he isn't drinking, and most of the time he is still decent even when he is drinking.  He is not mean or violent....just annoying as all get out, and on rare occasion he does something risky.  I just have no tolerance for frequent drinking any more.

But then-  my son.  He will be 5 years old next month.  Am I really going to blow up his world, blow up his family, over drinking?  Most of the world (at least my world) drinks like his dad and his family, my family.  I am going to blow up everything because I don't like "normal"?

I still lack strong sober support.  I have my ladies at my weekly meeting but what I really need to do is build up a sober life.  When I leave (if I leave?) I want to have a good strong life to step into.  I want to have friends to hang with, people who would want to vacation, so that I have a full life and also so that I have a new Normal to share with my son.  I don't have that now and I think it will take much longer than 2 months for me to build it.  I can only build it if I put my time and energy and focus there, and not on my husband and son.  So far I've gone to one meeting/week, not wanting to entirely neglect my husband and son.  Moving forward, I need to put more focus on meetings/hanging with sober people. This is just one more step away from the husband and towards an alcohol-free future.

The biggest single threat to my own sobriety has been the thought:  "If I have a glass of wine and just give in, then all of this family struggle goes away.  I will go back to being one of them, and I don't have to destroy my family."   I have had that thought a few times recently-  looking at a bottle of beer and thinking, "I better be DAMNED sure that I am never going back to drinking, because I am going to blow up everything for my son over it."

But of course, that first thought is a lie.  Things do not get better if I start drinking again.  Life only gets worse, life is a hundred thousand times better sober than drinking. As for the second thought:  I do not ever want to go back.  I don't know what the future holds but I know that a future without drinking is going to be a much better future.

I want to figure it all out tonight, but alas, it isn't going to happen.  I have a mental plan to go see a lawyer just to find out preliminary information on separation and divorce in my state.  If we were to divorce, what is the likely arrangement?  Child support?  Custody?  I continue to pay down bills to finish off our last bit of debt, then I can put my paycheck into my own banking account in good conscience. I believe if I leave, I can find a place where I can swing rent and child care, which would free up the husband to take care of the mortgage (I am not staying and trying to maintain our house on my own.)  I have the map in my head.  It's just a matter of making the move.  December 2nd...nothing until then.  And maybe not even then, but likely it will be soon thereafter....

Sobriety: Feeling Limitless

Well, readers!  

I have been sober a little over seven months.  I am madly in love with being alcohol-free.  Alcohol really is just like cigarettes were for me. I thought that cigarettes made me feel good, I thought they were something that ensured I had lovely breaks throughout the day, it was something social to do.  I loved smoking.  I hated how much they cost, though, and I hated the nicotine fits, and I knew that they were causing me physical harm.

Each of the many times I quit smoking, I felt physically better, after a short illness (I always got a cold of some sort the first week being smoke-free.)  I had more energy.  I liked the freedom.

Even so, I went back to smoking many, many times.  At one point I had gone over a year without smoking, only to bum a smoke from a hot guy in Ireland to strike up a conversation, when a group of patrons stepped outside to smoke.  It took me TWO YEARS to successfully quit again.  My last smoke was Oct 8 2006- it will be 9 years this fall!

It wasn't until I read Allen Carr's book that I found the crux of the reason on why quitting smoking was so incredibly difficult for me:  I still thought that I was missing out on something I enjoyed by quitting smoking.  I knew I was happier being free, saving money, being healthier etc. as a non-smoker, but it never occurred to me that I now realized- there is absolutely ZERO benefit to smoking.  Whatever 'high' it gave was useless.  

And I am all about that now with alcohol.  It is useless. There is nothing gained by taking a drink. Nothing. It is really just a toxin.  It blunts not only one's emotions, logic, inhibitions- it also saps energy, and well-being.  The 'high' is just like a cigarette high- totally useless. It's a delusion.

I am so filled with energy and well-being at this point in my life. I am 43 years old, I am still quite overweight, and I feel just *amazing*.  I really enjoy running, hitting the gym, swimming with my son, walking with my mom, just being active.  I have a weird "push" for movement, an energy, just coursing through me. I signed up for a Spartan race with some friends and started training immediately- I need something to do, somewhere to funnel this new spring of life force. That sounds so cheesy, I just don't know what to call it! I am so excited at the idea of gaining some upper body strength and just having a strong, fit body. I don't need to be skinny. I just want to be well. 

I don't know if other bloggers feel this way.  I read people who still struggle.  I read about people who find staying sober to be very difficult.  I really think it's just that they still believe all the drinkers are the "lucky" ones, and that their life would somehow be better if they, too, could drink.

I believe in Carr's main steps but I also go to AA.  I really desperately need the fellowship.  I don't know where I'd be without my sober sisters in my woman's meeting.  Most are several years' sober. 

They are definitely serene. I trust them. It's a very small, close-knit group.  I feel so lucky to have met them.

Almost everything in my life is going so well, it is scary.  I just started my new, kick-ass, position at work.  I got assigned by luck to my dream job.  I can't believe they are going to pay me (and pay me quite well!) to do this.  Things are going great with my son.  I love my AA sisters, I feel fabulous. 

The only thing that isn't going well is my marriage.  My AA friend tells me to hang out, no big changes for the first year, make plans if it makes me feel better but otherwise just let it work out for now.  Things will continue to look very differently.  Just take of myself and my son.  

So I am following their advice.  But at this point, I don't see a future with my husband.  He is back to daily drinking.  He has every right to do so-  I am the one who has changed, who is continuing to change.  I am becoming a totally new person inside and hopefully out as well.  It isn't really fair to him.

But it is what it is.  I am never, ever going back to drinking (God willing!) I would not want that life again for 100 million dollars. I have no interest in talking with my husband when he's trashed. I certainly don't want to hang out with him when he's drunk.  He is drunk every night. He is what I used to be, so I can't slag on him. 

But I am done with it.  I don't mind being around people who are drinking on occasion.  It's not a big deal.  But on a daily basis? No thanks.

In my dreams, I am bounding off into my new, beautiful, sober life.  I don't worry about money being poured down someone's throat.  I don't worry about whether or not we have wine in the house. Tonight my son's glow stick broke and some of the chemicals got in his eyes.  My husband was drunk and flustered.  I was clear-thinking, got my son into the bathroom, flushed his eyes out, called poison control.  I don't want to worry whether or not I can handle my son.  In my dreams, I am in my own place, me and my son, we are happy and healthy and sane.  My husband doesn't think so, but his life really is barely manageable. He is on an emotional roller-coaster of doubt, anxiety, hostility, resentment, punctuated by a few 'happy' moments found in his booze. I don't want any of that noise anymore. 

I guess I am still on a pink cloud, but it's seriously amped up.  I know things can't continue on this Ride of Excellence forever- life just doesn't work that way.  I know that my dreams are just that:  an idealized version of what I'd like to have happen, without any consideration of the inevitable difficulties, regrets, unintended consequences that occur in real life.  

I look at my son and think:  am I really considering breaking up his family because his dad drinks a "few" each night (I don't really know how many...but he freaking reeks of it, has thrown up, etc.)?  Everyone in my family and almost everyone in his family does the same (mostly though only really having 2 or 3).  It is really fair? 

The answer is a clear Yes.  I don't care what my family does, I don't care what my husband's family does.  I am happy to break out of our alcohol-focused family dynamic. But today is not the day.  I am in the dreaming and planning stage- sometimes.  Mostly, I just want to enjoy the loveliness that is the feeling of life, Now, Today.

So I stick with my AA girl, M's, recommendation.  She's already walked my path.  She says, "every day, ask yourself, "Is today the day for action regarding your marriage?"  If it's not, just do what you have to do to get through the day. Take of yourself and your child.  Build up your lives. It will become clearer. You'll have taken all the steps by then and you'll know it-whatever it is- is truly the right thing to do."  

But a girl can dream.  And outside of the husband, it is all beautiful right now. I am loving life at 200+ days of being sober.  May it continue.