Happy New Year!

Last night I woke up at midnight with a throbbing headache. Sinuses. I took super medication, propped my head up, breathed slowly to try to reduce the pain, and finally fell back asleep around 3ish.

Tonight, the pain started to ramp up again around 5 pm.  It is now just after 9 PM my time, and my husband and son just left to go to a NYE party.

I should feel guilty, missing out, purposefully sending husband and son on their way for this special night. I do feel terrible but it is because my head is killing me. I get this sinus stuff once each year, I have my meds and neti pot and herbal teas and menthol...but I know it just takes time and care. There is nothing that will alleviate this tonight- certainly not a lot of loudness: people, music, partying, etc.

My husband was going to stay home with me, but our son hardly ever gets to see some of the kids who are already there, he was so excited to go and have fun and stay up....and we made a ton of food so one of us would have to drive over. It is better this way.

I admit, though, if I have to get sinus junk, I am pretty happy with the timing. I am entirely willing to believe this is psychosomatic.  It is so lovely and quiet. I have a hot bath running, steaming up the bathroom now. I broke out my "mocktail" in bottle, which actually tastes horrible and I am going to toss it. Once the tea is done and this post is up, it will be bath and bed...which sounds lovely. I just hope I can get myself to sleep, as generally the sinus thing really kicks in when trying to lay down.

I am an introvert, so having a lovely quiet evening to myself is a soothing thing. Even if it is New Years Eve. I hope it's not an omen of things to come; we generally try to enjoy all the big holidays as a family.  But I can't control any of that and just need to not worry about it. This is a grand, grand night to lay low and be on my own, and gratefully and happily sober!

May your night be wonderful! Ring in a fabulous New Year!

More Holidays...Defensiveness....Denial....

I am reaching the time in the Christmas season where I am ready to go back to work, LOL!  I am so off-schedule, things are totally a mess in the house and out-of-whack. It will be a relief next week to get back to normal!

In the meantime...I had two more conversations today about my not drinking.  I am not sure how well I handled them, but I am glad to have gotten them out of the way.

The first one was from one of the first people I told in mid-ish December. I told her after she told me that her husband (who has had serious, life-threatening, life-changing issues this year) couldn't drink anymore without his limbs swelling up, and that she was going to stop drinking to support him. Both of them have had struggles with alcohol in the past, so I told her that I'd stopped for two weeks (at the time) and it was easy- I'd lost totally the desire to drink- and I'd loan her the books that got me there, if she wanted. She said Interesting, but passed on the books. No biggie.

Today she came over with her adorable young daughter. She asked if I was still not drinking, as she was thinking it would be nice to have a glass of wine or a beer.

"No drinking for me, but we have a ton of beer in garage fridge if you'd like one."

Then, she gave a little sound and I think she was trying to be nice to me, "Did you drink over Christmas and then stop again? Or just not drink at all."

"Didn't drink at all."

She made another small sound again and gave me a look that I interpreted as pity.

I don't remember exactly what she said, because I was already annoyed by feeling like she was pitying me. I would bet good money that whatever she said was meant to be supportive, probably something along the lines of "That's great! It's so hard to quit!".

But, my defensive hackles were fully raised. I don't even know if she really made any little sounds or looked at me with pity or anything. I just hated being asked.

I smiled breezily and asked her, "Did you miss knitting this Christmas?"

"Huh?"

"Knitting- did you miss knitting this holiday?"

"Um, no..."

"That's about how much I missed drinking this Christmas. It was fine, all good. "

"Oh! Good! That's great! You sure you don't mind if  I grab a beer?"

"Nope, I don't mind at all."

And I didn't. She grabbed a beer, I made tea and made our kids lunch.

I was ungracious enough though to look at the clock and note that it wasn't quite 12 noon yet.  I kept it to myself though. It's a holiday after all. She finished the beer, the kids finished lunch, and they left. (It wasn't until I was writing this blog post that I realized- I didn't even ask if she and her husband drank over the holiday. Rather self-absorbed of me, stuck in my own crankiness and defensiveness.)

I told my husband about it later on, as I didn't want him to think that the empty beer was from me. My husband doesn't like my friend much. He thinks she is a sloppy drunk because the last two times she came over she got pretty wasted. The last of those two times was a major turning point for me in deciding it was time to put the poison back on the shelf for good. Nothing to do with what my friend was doing- only instead of showing any kind of sense and taming back /slowing down, I went full-in.

Anyway, like all of us, she has her issues. She definitely becomes an "I Love You!" girl when drinking. But she is also one of the strongest women I know. I've known her since we were teens.  This year alone would have knocked anyone to their knees, going through what she and her husband have gone through.

I don't know how I am going to end up negotiating our friendship. It will be the same for many of my friends, especially those here, in this small town. We are all drinking buddies. I can't stress about it now though. I am not sure if this is just more total alcohol-like avoidance or just pragmatism. Like maybe it is best to get some time under my feet and let's see how it plays out. I am willing to bet just about every person is recovery has to work out the same issue!

The other conversation was via text with my sister-in-law. I much preferred the text conversation!  We were texting about tomorrow's New Years Eve party at her house.

"Are you drinking yet?"

"LOL! Nope, I am over it (drinking.) But I will cheer with/for you. :) "

"Wow...Did something happen that you stopped drinking."

"I just lost the taste for it...I like it better without drinking. Nothing really happened, more like a light switched.  But I don't care if anyone or everyone is drinking, rock on!"

"Hmmmm..strange...I will never lose the taste. Yum."

Then it just moved onto other NYE stuff.

On the one hand, I am glad to have prepped her already for me having my own sober fun tomorrow night.

On the other hand, I don't know how realistic it is for me to be so nonchalant.  I don't really want to be hanging out where everyone else is drinking. I know from past experience that there will be very few other light/non-drinkers at her party. Almost everyone will be getting trashed, including my husband (especially since I will be a designated driver.)  Most people stay over. Still, I have embarrassed myself at my SIL's parties often enough that it's another place where in the recent past, I have either not drank at all or really strictly moderated (at least until I got back home!). I know I can get through tomorrow night without drinking.

Also, while thankfully I really don't have the desire to drink- I think about drinking a LOT.  I am reading blogs, blogging, listening to The Bubble Hour podcasts (which are AMAZING!!).  I clearly still have the obsession.

In other words, I really wonder how much denial I am in right now? Well, as long as I don't drink it will work out, yeah? (I hope so!)

I am really envious of people who have normies in their life for support. I think I can ask my mom, but otherwise I'm pretty much at a blank, at least for now. To be honest, most of my drinking friends well exceed "normal" and would tell you that frankly.

I feel very much alone in my little world here. I looked up AA meeting and was thrilled to see that there are actually some meetings near here each day of the week! I knew of only one meeting and it was about 40 minutes away.  So I am going to hit up a meeting this coming weekend and see if I can't find some sober friends.

Happy New Years Eve Eve, ya'll!  It's another night and lovely to be sane and sober. Here's to another major 24 tomorrow!

12 Steps and Carr/Vale

My god, the posts are just pouring out today!! I really have no one to talk with about this stuff, and have some quiet hours to myself, so I am just blogging like mad today.

Somewhere in my Fall reading of sobriety stuff, I found a reference to Allen Carr. I got his book on my Kindle and it changed things for me. A few weeks later, based on blogosphere/forum comments, I also picked up Jason Vale's Kick the Drink- Easily.  They are both quite simpatico, I read somewhere that Jason Vale was an Easyway counselor- it would make sense!

In my previous post, I talked about having a lot of previous 12-step/AA/NA/Naranon experience. I worked my steps in Naranon and basically I believe very much in their program and philosophy.  I live in the sticks now and there are very few AA meetings nearby.  I am probably going to seek them out. I get stuck on the Alcoholic thing at the moment, but I don't want to quibble over it. I have sober friends in my old city but none here, and so I need to go find some. I am pretty sure I'll stumble over a few sober women in a meeting!

In the meantime, I want to hash out my current thoughts on alcohol, viewed through both philosophies and set against my recent Christmas Holiday experiences.

1. Carr and Vale: Alcohol is a powerful, addictive Poison. Period. The alcohol never changes- it the same alcohol whether the drinker is a 12 year old getting drunk for the first time, or a "normie" having his single beer while watching the Superbowl, or black-out drinker on bottle #2 of wine. It is the same poisonous, highly addictive substance for all of them. It is not a safe, harmless drink for anyone.

I agree with this. Anyone who has only a little bit of alcohol and then stops will be OK; anyone who drinks too much can die from it. People do die from it- Alcohol Poisoning.  Anyone can survive a little bit of arsenic, too- it doesn't change the fact that the substance is poisonous. Most of us just love our alcohol too much to actually be able to accept that it is a Poison.

2. Carr:  Addiction can be thought of as a Pitcher Plant. The addictive substance- whether it be nicotine, heroin, cocaine, alcohol- is like the nectar. The fly lands and takes a drink/hit; yum! If the fly keeps on drinking enough, he will get too big to easily fly off, and starts to move around a little. The Plant nectar is very sticky and the flies gets entangled. The more the fly struggles, the more entangled he gets. Then he realizes he is slowly sliding down the throat of the pitcher plant.

Any given drinker is just a fly somewhere on the slope of the Pitcher plant. If you keep drinking that powerful, addictive poison, you will find yourself in the gullet of the Pitcher Plant.

I found this image to be quite powerful. I think it is accurate. It is basically building off the first point, which is that Alcohol is a powerful, addictive Poison.  The theory is: ANYONE who drinks enough alcohol will become addicted. This is not the current thinking, but I have read other research which supports it (specifically George Valliant's work on the 75+ year longitudinal Harvard Grant Study)

3. Carr and Vale: There is no such thing as a Alcoholic or Alcoholism, in the way it is current discussed. There is only Alcohol Addiction. We are brainwashed to think Alcohol is different from any other powerful, addictive poison, when it is not.

This is the controversial aspect of the books, and they piss a lot of people off. 

However, if one agrees that Alcohol is an addictive poison, just like nicotine, heroin, cocaine, and that alcohol is an addictive poison for ALL people, just like nicotine, heroin, and cocaine, then it only makes sense that there is nothing special about someone who is addicted to alcohol- that person is just like anyone addicted to any other similar substance.

The reason we believe that there are Alcoholics is that as a society, we love alcohol so much that we have been brainwashed to believe that there is something wrong with the person who is addicted to alcohol. NONE of us want to be that person! We ALL want to be a person who can drink "normally"! We all want to be Normal Users, not Addicts!

For every other addictive substance, people CLEARLY see that the substance causes the problem. That is why there are not "heroin-holics" or "Cocaine-holics", where you know, people who lose control have a PROBLEM whereas all of the Normal Users are just fine, thanks! 

It is just that one one wants to give up the alcohol. This particular drug is so deeply embedded in our society that we do not see it clearly. We are OK having a little bit of alcohol at a party, a wedding, etc. If you only had a coke line or two at those events you'd probably not become a cocaine addict either. But essentially you're taking the same risks.

There is a growing amount of evidence that addiction has a very strong genetic element to addiction. In my eyes, this does not change the point. One's genetic make-up merely adjusts one's speed down the throat of the pitcher plant. If one has a strong genetic link to addiction, it is going to take much less alcohol for the addiction to take hold than it might for someone without the genetic link; but anyone who drinks a 12 pack of beer each night for 20 years is going to end up addicted.

4. Carr:  If there were Truth In Advertising, Alcohol would be called "DEVASTATION." 
   Vale: In addition to the damage done to the Drinker, there are CONSIDERABLE damages done via Passive Drinking:  nearly everyone has somehow been negatively affected by drinking

These lines of thinking were a 1-2 punch for me.  I can agree that Alcohol has been Devastating in my life, even though overtly nothing "bad" has happened. I haven't crashed a car, gotten a DUI, etc. But, my personal esteem has been tanked, I have been so ashamed and guilty of how I've acted, I know nothing good will come of me drinking. I have felt devastated and horrified after a night of drinking.

But when I've looked around, I couldn't say that Alcohol has been Devastating to others I know. My Mom, for instance, likes to have a glass of wine or two most nights and has for decades. To my knowledge it has not wrought anything bad for her.

BUT- if I pull out the view to include Passive Drinking, the view changes. My dad was nearly killed by a Drunk Driver when I was five, and his subsequent recovery changed our lives dramatically. My dad didn't even drink, but he suffered for almost 40 years from those injuries.

My mom's life was definitely devastated by that accident as well. Plus, her uncle died one New Years Eve by drunkingly falling through a glass patio door.  Her best friend and cousin was an alcoholic in recovery, who died from AIDS in the 80s from a drunken one-night-stand. 

Jason Vale says that going by one UK study, 50% of pedestrians struck and killed by automobiles were drunk- these are pedestrians, not the drivers. 

Jason Vale is right IMO that Passive Drinking is not discussed. And yet it causes a tremendous amount of damage.

5. Carr and Vale: Addiction is primary a confidence trick. You will lose all desire to use once you see clearly what is going on . Once you truly, deeply understand that the substance gives you ZERO benefit and a LOT of downside, your desire to use at all will leave. Trying to use willpower only leads to misery and/or failure.
12 Steps: Willpower fails.  A higher power can and will take away your desire to drink. 

6.   I am going to do something incredibly fucking arrogant here.  I am going to write my own first two steps.

Step 1:  I came to believe that Alcohol is a powerful, addictive, poisonous substance, and that my drinking is fucking up my life, turning me in to someone I don't want to be, and creating a life for myself and my loved that frankly sucks. 

Step 2: Came to believe that willpower alone will not solve the addiction.  

Step 3: Made a decision to turn my will and life to the care of God/Nature as I understand Her.

The rest of the steps talk about how to Live Sober- something that  both Carr and Vale leave to us to figure out on our own.

I love the Carr and Vale books because their Confidence Trick worked for me. The GREAT thing about deciding to go sober during a time of normal celebration is that I have had ample opportunity to see that they are right:  No one had any benefit to their drinking that I didn't have.

• The people who had a drink or two were just as normal and having just as good a time as I was.  I didn't need a drink to match it.
• The people who had a lot to drink- well, it just reinforced that I do not want to be like that anymore.  I don't want to be slurring, sloppy, repetitive, hungover, tired, or alternatively stressed and  measured, putting all that effort into controlling what I was drinking, thinking "Oh, I really shouldn't have anymore" then 15 minutes later having another half glass, then another, then another etc. No thank you. 

I keep both Carr and Vale books on my phone, so I can check in throughout the day if it's a rough one.

And at the same time, I do intend to work the steps. It is an excellent way to live: honest, present, compassionate, responsible, congruent, open.

And finally, one last thing for today.

This HAS to work. I am spiritual and pray all the time now for the sobriety to hold, for me to be able to create this new life.

My ex, L, he really tried. He worked the steps. He had a sponsor. He was open and followed all suggestions. He desperately wanted to be clean and sober and to keep it. He went to halfway houses, he volunteered for everything, he read the books and studied them. The Big Book says that there are some people who just can't maintain sobriety, and sadly, he was one of them.

He died two years ago.  He wasn't even 40. His dear mom called me the day they found him, and since then we have been in touch and even recently got together. When L was alive, his parents ran a local Naranon meeting (started after they took me to my first one.)  We were talking about how lucky they felt, because even though L was an addict, and did the horrible things addicts do when using, L also was able to keep some things from them. L wasn't angry or resentful with them, he didn't yell at them, he didn't have the Dr. Jeckell/Mr. Hyde thing that so many active addicts have. When he died, his parents were both devastated and also felt that he had really, truly struggled and tried his best but lost the battle. And that finally he was at peace.

But anyway, in my mind, I am terrified that I won't do this. I know you can do the right things, and still fail.

I do not want to fail. PLEASE God, Universe, Whoever- Please help! And THANK YOU for another day.

History: understanding to avoid repetition

I am off work today, the child is in Daycare having a  blast with this friends, husband is at work, and I am alone to ponder and write.  Hence multiple posts. Heh.

I have been very well-versed in the 12 steps.  My third post-college job was working in a community psychiatric center with mentally-ill substance abusers, and I took them to AA and NA meetings daily. We reviewed step-work all the time and I learned a ton about addiction from the guys, most of whom had long-term sobriety and had truly bought into the program. They had turned their lives around.

Several years after I left that job, I met a wonderful guy and fell madly in love with him.  We had several fabulous years together, and were engaged, when he had to go in for a surgery and was given opiate painkillers. He'd had an opiate addiction when he was a teenager (we were in our late 20s) and had been clean for a decade...but he went back down that rabbit hole.

I called his parents in tears to let them know, they literally drove down, picked me up, and took me to a Naranon meetings that night. And thus began several years of Naranon meetings for me, and rehabs, halfway houses, intermittent sobriety, and many, many AA and NA meetings with him. We'd spend our weekends together just hitting up meeting after meeting. At the end of the NA meetings everyone would get in a circle, hold hands for prayer, and go around the room introducing themselves. "Hi, I am Jenn, and I am addicted to my addict!" and my guy would squeeze my hand and appreciate me for sticking by him. "Hi, my name is L and I am a grateful addict."

 Before L fell back into his addiction, he was a drinker. As was I, we met in our neighborhood bar. I'd been drinking frequently since turning 21. In college I drank a LOT. A LOT. Every night. When I graduated and started working, I knocked it way down but still drank on weekends. I'd drink sometimes during the week if I went out but I didn't even consider it "moderating": I just didn't drink much if I had to work the next day. Wa-la! Didn't even occur to me that it was doing anything hard or special.

L had to stop drinking for about 3 months prior to his surgery, and I stopped with him. I stopped throughout the years of his remitting/relapsing addiction, unless I went home and hung with my mom, or was out with my friends. It was not hard at all to stop and I actually preferred it. I lost a TON of weight, and my career was taking off, and prior to his surgery things were actually fabulous. After the surgery, when I got my crash-course in addiction and 12 steps, it was natural not to drink, why would I?

After three years of being with L through two rehab stints, and numerous relapses, I made a big change. I was in my mid-thirties and wanted a family, and I knew I would never have that with L. He had just relapsed again. The grant I was funded on was ending at work, and I knew I was going to have to find another job. At home, with my parents, my dad was dying.  I decided to leave the city, leave L, leave my job, leave my friends, and return to my hometown in the sticks to be there with my dad, to help my mom.

Once I split with L, I started drinking again. I moved home and got a new job. My now-husband and I started dating, and he was a drinker. I just picked right back up.

It's now 8 years later and things are different with my drinking. I've had times in my life where I drank a lot more, but it didn't affect me like it does now. I used to call my blackouts "Old Faithful" because I'd have one every six months- and that was it. I didn't care. Now I care. I care a LOT. I am terrified  of waking up one morning and finding something wrong with my son, because I was too drunk to notice. I felt sick too often. I was relying on huge amounts of ibuprofen to get me through the days because I need to think at work. I have to REALLY focus and use willpower to moderate. Moderating sucks. I still have a few triggers that I know will disable any Off Switch that I have left. Too many times my Off switch just didn't work at all. I've gotten way too good at being a Drunk Asshole- I don't need any more practice at it.

My young son thinks it is normal for adults to drink. It is a Grown Up thing.

He is getting set-up to follow in my and his dad's footsteps.

Drinking- all of it- means something different to me now. I want to write my new slogans, my own freaking sobriety psalms. I have lived life without alcohol before. I didn't even consider it "sobriety", it was just living life and not having alcohol in it. I want that again, for me, for my little guy H.

My fervent, almost begging prayer today is: Please let this stick. Please let me keep this. Please! No more drinking- just sober, clear-headed life. PLEASE please please.....

Sober Fears in a Booze-Loving Family

I live in a boozy family, both personal and extended. Other than when I was pregnant, it was very, very rare to be at an extended family dinner without all adults drinking. (Since my husband and I have been together, I am the only one who has gotten pregnant.)  I really can't recall a time when every adult at the table didn't have some wine or a beer or a cocktail,  but I'm sure there must have been sometimes, since we get together pretty frequently. Maybe someone had to go to work or wasn't feeling well.  Not everyone is problem drinker- I've only seen my father-in-law rocked a few times in the eight years I've been part of his family. My MIL I think very, very rarely drinks unless she is with the family. But definitely, everyone drinks, and every single one of us has drunken well into excess, most of us many times. It's how we roll and all that.

One of my greatest fears is that I will work my way right out of this family as a sober person, or at least become disengaged and moved to the outskirts. I had to do a lot of deep breathing and calming over the past few weeks, as I've geared up for how and when and whether and what to tell people.

I waited a week to tell my husband that I wasn't going to drink anymore. He had just come home from meeting up with his dad- they went to his dad's favorite bar for Happy Hour. Husband shared a joke his dad told him and his crew at the bar, to explain why his wife wasn't there too: "I found a way to half the bar bill! Keep the wife at home!" And I laughed and said, "I found a better way! I'm just not drinking anymore! Permanently keeps the bill down!"

Husband was surprised. "Really? Since when?"

"Not long, only a week or so."

"Well, I support you 100%". And that was the conversation. I am afraid to really discuss anything more with him, at least for now.  I don't know how to, as I am afraid that anything I say will be taken as  criticism of him, or as me trying to convince him to quit, too.

He drinks even more than I did and continues to do so. I just don't see him ever wanting to stop. He's very functional, a lot like his dad- most of the time you can't really tell that he has been drinking. He works every day. He is mostly healthy.  He either hides it well, or he just doesn't have the same outcomes to the extent that I did, I don't know. I know he sometimes has blackouts and on occasion gets sick, but both seem to be pretty rare. He's not a normie but he's not a home-wrecking, out-of-control drinker either.

He hasn't batted an eye at my sobriety or really said much since the conversation. He expressed surprise when I didn't go drinking with my BFF on a recent visit, and when I told him and my sister that I was anxious about telling my sister-in-law that I wasn't drinking on Christmas Eve.

Both he and my sister were shocked my admission that it was the one thing I was most stressed about. I expected my SIL to give me a hard time- she tends to really take a go at things, like a puppy with a chew toy. She can have a hard time letting go.

Happily, my fears were overblown. My SIL was surprised, "For the love for God, why?  Why would do that? And at Christmas and New Years, too- what timing!!!" then she swung to my husband "YOU haven't gone on the wagon too, have you? Then we'd REALLY be in trouble!" And other than some eye-rolling, that was it. Easy peasy. My MIL was also there and didn't say anything, I don't think she cares one way or the other. She is by far the person who drinks the least among us, she is probably happy to have another person around who isn't trying to get trashed.

My sister has gone on and off the wagon numerous times and just said "Good for you, baby!" She was totally cool with it. My mom was shocked because she doesn't think I have a problem and said, "Well, we'll just have tea when we are together."  I just laughed and said, "Please don't! Carry on as normal, Mums. I am fine. and really just don't want it anymore."

I haven't really said anything to my FIL and his wife, other than "No thanks- not drinking today" when offered some booze on Christmas. I turned down booze the last time I saw them, too, in early December. I have embarrassed myself so many times in front of them- especially last Christmas/my birthday at their house and again earlier this year- that I have been either strictly moderating or just not drinking in front of them since June or July, so this is nothing new.

So I've gotten through the Christmas holidays and my birthday without any big issues or blow-ups. I am very relieved at this, Of course New Years is coming up, another party at my SIL's house.  Then it will be back to a more normal life- I am hugely looking forward to it.

I don't really think things will change much with my mom or sister, or my FIL, his wife, and MIL. I am very afraid things will change with my husband. I think they are simply going to change with my SIL, but it will be fine.

My view as it is today:  What will be will be. I don't know the future of my relationships. I only know I can be more genuine and actually present when I'm sober, and that fear isn't going to help here. The only thing to do is take it as it comes and roll with it.

Jumping In!

Hello and Welcome!

Something changed in my life recently.  If you're interested, please settle in for a moment and I'll tell you a little about it.  I've got a nice cup of hot tea next to me, and if you were here with me in my living room I'd make one for you, too. I am envisioning this blog as a dear friend, and we are about to catch up. It will be bit one-sided but I hope not too much. As it is, my friends who don't drink live quite far away, and everyone I live with or who are nearby are drinkers, and I am not comfortable sharing my thoughts so freely with them yet. So hello, blogging world!

What was this change?  I've gone off the alcohol.  I enjoyed getting hammered for nearly 22 years, and, wow, has the cost risen in all manners- financially, spiritually, emotionally, health-wise.  I tested out moderation for nearly all of 2014- what an unholy pain in the ass. At best it was a hit-or-miss, and when I was able to do it, it was almost always shame-driven due to a prior failure.

Finally, the weekend before Thanksgiving, a friend came over, I decided "all things in moderation- including moderation!" and tossed back a bottle of wine and then some...and passed out, slurring, while attempting to read a bedtime story to my 4 year old. I don't remember it, though. I woke up, threw up, and went back to sleep. My husband told me about it the following morning. I've wrestled with drinking too much for ages, but never had been so obviously wrecked in front of my child.  I then realized that this was now really, truly, getting out of control.

I was off work all that week, and instead of sticking to my (tenuous at best anyway!) "Fri-Sun only" drinking, I drank every night, Monday-Sunday. I wasn't "out of hand" or black-out drunk, but I was "finally tuned" at three or more glasses of wine each night. I managed a sober  Monday night, but decided to have "just a glass or two" on a Tuesday evening. As usual, that "glass or two" turned into a bottle. I woke up at 3 in the morning, made myself throw up, took 800 mg of Ibuprofen to ensure I could get through work the following day, and decided that I REALLY was never going to do this again. That was it. I did not want to be this person, this drunk mom, this wet employee. It was time to change.

I'd found the blog Unpickled in the summer, and started Allen Carr's How to Control Your Drinking but hadn't finished it in September. Now I picked it up again and re-read it. Since that last night of drinking on Dec 2nd 2014 I have not had a drink. I have not really wanted a drink. I have felt all kinds of emotions and thought a ton about drinking since then, but thankfully have not been tempted to actually drink.

I am incredibly, kiss-the-ground gratefully that I haven't felt the desire to drink. Like many of the sober bloggers I've been reading these past few weeks, my spouse drinks. There is a ton of alcohol in my house- even more than usual right now, since we just hosted two Christmas parties. There are cases of beer, bottles of wine and other spirits, many gifts from the party attendees. I don't think I would be able to get by on willpower.

We had family over for Christmas dinner. As we were getting ready to sit down for dinner, I asked if I could fill anyone's glass, or get anyone a beer. I was the only adult not drinking, and except for when I was pregnant, it was a first to have a non-drinker at the Christmas table. My young son piped up, "All adults love wine and beer!"  Everyone laughed except me, I heard "getting him started early!" and "He's in the right family!" My son loved hearing this affirmation and beamed. I managed a tight smile.  My son just turned four years old, and this is what I have managed to teach him, what he has picked up. so far. Holy smokes.

I spoke with him about it when I put him to bed, and let him know that many, many adults didn't drink beer or wine or any alcohol. I am going to model it for him, I am changing things at least from my end.

This really cemented my view and agreement with Carr and Vale's contention that alcohol is hugely misunderstood and it is because society views it as normal.

Both Carr and Vale also argue that alcohol has absolutely zero benefit; we are brainwashed to believe that it is "fun" to get sotted and inebriated but it really isn't fun. And I see that.

I used to think alcohol was enormous fun. I thought I loved how it made me feel.

My view as of today: alcohol is like the Awesome Boyfriend who wooed and courted me. He made me feel lovely and fun and special, and everyone else loved him too and thought he is a Great Guy, and wanted him to come to all the get-togethers.

Today I see that he was NOT an Awesome Boyfriend. Feeling "Good" was being drugged, so that I didn't quite grasp that he was actually stealing my money, my time, my health. He was a steadfast companion who never left long enough for me to step back and realize that not only was he hurting me, but also he was hurting my CHILD. MY CHILD.

I looked on a blog today and used a widget; I found out that I am 25 days without a drink today. May it become 2500 and many, many more.