I have been sober a little over seven months. I am madly in love with being alcohol-free. Alcohol really is just like cigarettes were for me. I thought that cigarettes made me feel good, I thought they were something that ensured I had lovely breaks throughout the day, it was something social to do. I loved smoking. I hated how much they cost, though, and I hated the nicotine fits, and I knew that they were causing me physical harm.
Each of the many times I quit smoking, I felt physically better, after a short illness (I always got a cold of some sort the first week being smoke-free.) I had more energy. I liked the freedom.
Even so, I went back to smoking many, many times. At one point I had gone over a year without smoking, only to bum a smoke from a hot guy in Ireland to strike up a conversation, when a group of patrons stepped outside to smoke. It took me TWO YEARS to successfully quit again. My last smoke was Oct 8 2006- it will be 9 years this fall!
It wasn't until I read Allen Carr's book that I found the crux of the reason on why quitting smoking was so incredibly difficult for me: I still thought that I was missing out on something I enjoyed by quitting smoking. I knew I was happier being free, saving money, being healthier etc. as a non-smoker, but it never occurred to me that I now realized- there is absolutely ZERO benefit to smoking. Whatever 'high' it gave was useless.
And I am all about that now with alcohol. It is useless. There is nothing gained by taking a drink. Nothing. It is really just a toxin. It blunts not only one's emotions, logic, inhibitions- it also saps energy, and well-being. The 'high' is just like a cigarette high- totally useless. It's a delusion.
I am so filled with energy and well-being at this point in my life. I am 43 years old, I am still quite overweight, and I feel just *amazing*. I really enjoy running, hitting the gym, swimming with my son, walking with my mom, just being active. I have a weird "push" for movement, an energy, just coursing through me. I signed up for a Spartan race with some friends and started training immediately- I need something to do, somewhere to funnel this new spring of life force. That sounds so cheesy, I just don't know what to call it! I am so excited at the idea of gaining some upper body strength and just having a strong, fit body. I don't need to be skinny. I just want to be well.
I don't know if other bloggers feel this way. I read people who still struggle. I read about people who find staying sober to be very difficult. I really think it's just that they still believe all the drinkers are the "lucky" ones, and that their life would somehow be better if they, too, could drink.
I believe in Carr's main steps but I also go to AA. I really desperately need the fellowship. I don't know where I'd be without my sober sisters in my woman's meeting. Most are several years' sober.
They are definitely serene. I trust them. It's a very small, close-knit group. I feel so lucky to have met them.
Almost everything in my life is going so well, it is scary. I just started my new, kick-ass, position at work. I got assigned by luck to my dream job. I can't believe they are going to pay me (and pay me quite well!) to do this. Things are going great with my son. I love my AA sisters, I feel fabulous.
The only thing that isn't going well is my marriage. My AA friend tells me to hang out, no big changes for the first year, make plans if it makes me feel better but otherwise just let it work out for now. Things will continue to look very differently. Just take of myself and my son.
So I am following their advice. But at this point, I don't see a future with my husband. He is back to daily drinking. He has every right to do so- I am the one who has changed, who is continuing to change. I am becoming a totally new person inside and hopefully out as well. It isn't really fair to him.
But it is what it is. I am never, ever going back to drinking (God willing!) I would not want that life again for 100 million dollars. I have no interest in talking with my husband when he's trashed. I certainly don't want to hang out with him when he's drunk. He is drunk every night. He is what I used to be, so I can't slag on him.
But I am done with it. I don't mind being around people who are drinking on occasion. It's not a big deal. But on a daily basis? No thanks.
In my dreams, I am bounding off into my new, beautiful, sober life. I don't worry about money being poured down someone's throat. I don't worry about whether or not we have wine in the house. Tonight my son's glow stick broke and some of the chemicals got in his eyes. My husband was drunk and flustered. I was clear-thinking, got my son into the bathroom, flushed his eyes out, called poison control. I don't want to worry whether or not I can handle my son. In my dreams, I am in my own place, me and my son, we are happy and healthy and sane. My husband doesn't think so, but his life really is barely manageable. He is on an emotional roller-coaster of doubt, anxiety, hostility, resentment, punctuated by a few 'happy' moments found in his booze. I don't want any of that noise anymore.
I guess I am still on a pink cloud, but it's seriously amped up. I know things can't continue on this Ride of Excellence forever- life just doesn't work that way. I know that my dreams are just that: an idealized version of what I'd like to have happen, without any consideration of the inevitable difficulties, regrets, unintended consequences that occur in real life.
I look at my son and think: am I really considering breaking up his family because his dad drinks a "few" each night (I don't really know how many...but he freaking reeks of it, has thrown up, etc.)? Everyone in my family and almost everyone in his family does the same (mostly though only really having 2 or 3). It is really fair?
The answer is a clear Yes. I don't care what my family does, I don't care what my husband's family does. I am happy to break out of our alcohol-focused family dynamic. But today is not the day. I am in the dreaming and planning stage- sometimes. Mostly, I just want to enjoy the loveliness that is the feeling of life, Now, Today.
So I stick with my AA girl, M's, recommendation. She's already walked my path. She says, "every day, ask yourself, "Is today the day for action regarding your marriage?" If it's not, just do what you have to do to get through the day. Take of yourself and your child. Build up your lives. It will become clearer. You'll have taken all the steps by then and you'll know it-whatever it is- is truly the right thing to do."
But a girl can dream. And outside of the husband, it is all beautiful right now. I am loving life at 200+ days of being sober. May it continue.
