While I was on vacation, one of the adults, M, came up to me. She had had a few drinks and was "finely tuned", shall we say. M is a lovely person- very kind, friendly, caring. She asked me, "So you're not drinking at all? It's so great that you're getting healthy and fit! Isn't it hard to stop drinking?"
"No, stopping drinking has actually been my favorite part! Everything has come from that decision, it's like running and everything else feels great now."
"It's just a big thing to do though- not drinking!"
"No, it's not that big a deal really. Once it's down it just fades into the background. Hey, Mom and I were talking about going kayaking tomorrow- do you want to come?" I switched the subject and we moved on to something else.
It is such a funny thing, this drinking and not drinking. It was and it wasn't hard to stop. The actual not picking up a drinking is so easy, so simple.
The trick is in the mindset. It's tricky to change one's focus from drinking to, well, just about anything else. It takes work and acceptance. I will be forever grateful to authors Allen Carr and Jason Vale, because it was their work that showed me that there was nothing to gain from drinking. Both have the readers continue to drink while the book is being read, so that you can test their theories for yourself. It sounds incredible to anyone who drinks but truly, there is just zero benefit to drinking.
Now, when I am with people who are drinking, I can see people who are basically "normies", who have one, maybe two beers over hours, and I can see that they are not getting anything really out of the drink. They aren't getting buzzed. They are doing it to be "sociable" and might as well had a soda. And I can see the rest of the people drinking being affected by the alcohol, and it no longer looks fun or enjoyable to me. And certainly it is no fun to be trying to control the drinking, and this is so clear to see, at least with the women. I see them trying to drink water between wines to manage to not get too drunk but still be able to drink; trying to wait for enough time to pass between drinks so they can get buzzed but not too buzzed; knowing they "should" stop but not wanting to, eyeing the bottle. I did all of that, except I was going to drink more once they left or I got home. I don't know if any of the women in my group do that, probably not. I can say though, it is much less work to drink only tea or other non-alcoholic drinks!
One of the real eye-openers while I was on vacation was just how much LESS I think about drinking now. And that includes going to one recovery meeting/week, plus reading blogs, listening to sober pod casts, etc. I thought that I still had a pretty big focus on alcohol...until I was in a house full of drinkers. Of the people there, I would guess that one or two have "alcohol problems", everyone else are just fairly heavy drinkers. People were talking about drinking or actually drinking the entire day long. They were talking about going to the beach, and having wine later. Going kayaking and being so ready for that well-earned martini afterwards. Going fishing and could they they bring beer. Etc.
Outside of vacation, I often wonder if I would be thinking even less about alcohol if my husband didn't drink.
Because it has been true for me: as time has gone on, I think about drinking less and less. It's been nearly a full 10 months, and I spend the vast majority of my time focused on living life, enjoying my son, prepping for the next challenge, the next task. I don't think about drinking when something good or bad happens, or when I've got something to celebrate. One day I hope I think about it only very rarely, maybe at holidays because I'll be back around family. One day...
It's funny to me that something so little has the power to have such a huge effect on individuals, family, and society. I look forward to the day when alcohol is just nothing to me, because it is basically gone from my life. I read or watch Jason Vale's latest work on juicing and fitness, and it sure looks like alcohol is but a passing thought to him. There is no alcohol in his juicing resorts. I doubt he has many drinkers around him at all. He self-identifies as a "non-drinker". I like that and will have a post up soon about it.
For now though, I am pondering that paradox, how something so small- just a drink!!!- could be so powerfully embedded into our culture. We have a very powerful delusion going on, a fixed false belief that alcohol makes everything better. It is among the most successful advertising in the world. Alcohol does not make anything better, and that is the truth. It's just a neuron-killing high, it makes you think you feel better as it takes away your money, your health, your brain cells, your liver cells, your time, your memory. No thanks. I'll stick with tea!
New View
Thursday, September 24, 2015
Sunday, September 20, 2015
Calmer Skies Today
Ah, today has been a new day. I read through Unsmashed's blog and it is awesome! She is really inspirational. I can really relate to her early days of trying to keep everyone the same, and also she is one of the bloggers who live with a husband who still drinks and whose family is full of drinkers.
She made a smarter decision than I have re meetings. She went to more meetings, and she built up a good support group early on, once she hit her last Day One. It has been suggested to me that I need to go to more meetings to stay sober. My issue has been, I have only very rarely been tempted to drink. Even my beer bottle "stare-downs" and "Better be sure of this because you're about to destroy your family" moments are not really about me drinking, they have been about me trying to avoid disrupting my family. I have been fortunate (knock wood, anti-jinx) to not have much of a desire to drink. So I haven't worried too much about hitting up meetings to counter-act the desire for a drink.
But I really, truly need to go to more meetings, meet more people, be in the company of people who live happily and freely without alcohol. I haven't wanted to disrupt my husband and son's lives more and I've been loath to reply on my husband; but I am looking seriously at divorce, that is a major disruption, so might as well start small now, eh? And maybe hopefully avoid the divorce thing.
This was a much calmer day. My husband and I spent most of it together, running post-vacation errands while my mom watched our son. It was peaceful and actually quite lovely. We ended up holding hands and will be watching a movie together tonight. If he opts to stay sober it might end up being a fabulous day. These are the days I wish we could have every day.
I think I need to find an additional prayer. When I was on vacation, "Bless them, heal me please" was my mantra. It was very helpful. But maybe re my husband, maybe I need to double-down on the Serenity Prayer-- accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, wisdom to know the difference. Really, maybe wisdom, acceptance, serenity is all that is needed.
I just don't know. I want to be serene and reach indifference on whether or not the husband is drinking. I just don't know if it is possible or even a smart goal. His drinking doesn't affect my drinking; it is a tolerance issue on my end. I don't want to invest my time, my heart, my future, into a partner who uses alcohol regularly. I know it's not fair to him, and for sure it isn't fair to my son.
Well, it's been suggested to me that when I don't know what to do, to do nothing. It goes against my nature to not make a plan of action, to not make contingencies. Well, I have them in my head already anyway. But it was a lovely day today, I will just enjoy it.
She made a smarter decision than I have re meetings. She went to more meetings, and she built up a good support group early on, once she hit her last Day One. It has been suggested to me that I need to go to more meetings to stay sober. My issue has been, I have only very rarely been tempted to drink. Even my beer bottle "stare-downs" and "Better be sure of this because you're about to destroy your family" moments are not really about me drinking, they have been about me trying to avoid disrupting my family. I have been fortunate (knock wood, anti-jinx) to not have much of a desire to drink. So I haven't worried too much about hitting up meetings to counter-act the desire for a drink.
But I really, truly need to go to more meetings, meet more people, be in the company of people who live happily and freely without alcohol. I haven't wanted to disrupt my husband and son's lives more and I've been loath to reply on my husband; but I am looking seriously at divorce, that is a major disruption, so might as well start small now, eh? And maybe hopefully avoid the divorce thing.
This was a much calmer day. My husband and I spent most of it together, running post-vacation errands while my mom watched our son. It was peaceful and actually quite lovely. We ended up holding hands and will be watching a movie together tonight. If he opts to stay sober it might end up being a fabulous day. These are the days I wish we could have every day.
I think I need to find an additional prayer. When I was on vacation, "Bless them, heal me please" was my mantra. It was very helpful. But maybe re my husband, maybe I need to double-down on the Serenity Prayer-- accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, wisdom to know the difference. Really, maybe wisdom, acceptance, serenity is all that is needed.
I just don't know. I want to be serene and reach indifference on whether or not the husband is drinking. I just don't know if it is possible or even a smart goal. His drinking doesn't affect my drinking; it is a tolerance issue on my end. I don't want to invest my time, my heart, my future, into a partner who uses alcohol regularly. I know it's not fair to him, and for sure it isn't fair to my son.
Well, it's been suggested to me that when I don't know what to do, to do nothing. It goes against my nature to not make a plan of action, to not make contingencies. Well, I have them in my head already anyway. But it was a lovely day today, I will just enjoy it.
Saturday, September 19, 2015
Stranger in a Strange Land
So I am finally, gratefully, back home after a week-long vacation with my mom, my husband and son, my aunt and uncle, and my sister-in-law and her fella. All of us in a big house on the beach, a day's drive from home.
This was our 3rd annual vacation together. The last two times, I was watching and trying to moderate my drinking. I was successful last year because I was sick; the year before I was much less successful. This year, I wasn't drinking at all, happily. I and my 4 year old son were the only ones not drinking.
I truly felt like a stranger in a strange land. I was there, with people who I know and love, in the same house, the same beach, the same vacation environment. Yet I was just completely separate from them. They were focused on drinking. Not everyone was a drunk idiot....but most of them were. My husband woke me up at 3 AM one night because he and his sister and my aunt were getting into a drunk heated argument. I told him to come to bed but he didn't, he went back out to argue longer. I went back to sleep.
It was enlightening for me to see how much alcohol and drinking mattered to this group. That first glass of wine, beer, drink was the Ultimate Experience, What They Looked Forward To Most each day (several times/day), every day. It mattered that much to me, too, only 10 months ago. I know how it felt from the inside- it looks even worse from the outside. I had no idea how bad it looked until now.
I had a nice time being out on the beach. I got in a few good runs. My mom and my MIL and I went out kayaking, which was cool. We all went out on a big fishing boat with my little one. I spent as much time on my own as I could, reading on the beach, knitting by the pool. My husband mostly hung out with my SIL and her fella, out fishing.
My son had a blast. He loved being with his grandparents. He loved the ocean. He loved having everyone together.
For me though...this experience just infused me with more knowledge that my current marital/family situation will not stand much longer. There is no way I am going to go on another one of these family vacations. I'm not sure what I will say or do to explain it, but I have time to figure that out.
It could very well be moot anyway. I have contingency plans for separation from the husband. My program suggests that no major changes be made for the first year of sobriety, any my first year will be over on Dec 2nd. My son is what really stops me- my husband has made an attempt and has cut down on his drinking. It just isn't enough for me personally. Getting drunk weekly is not really significantly better than getting drunk most days of the week. I mean, sure, it's "better", but I am not willing to live with either one. He is not interested in quitting. In an ideal world, he would want to quit. In an ideal world, we would stay together. I still love him very much. He is a great dad, a good guy, when he isn't drinking, and most of the time he is still decent even when he is drinking. He is not mean or violent....just annoying as all get out, and on rare occasion he does something risky. I just have no tolerance for frequent drinking any more.
But then- my son. He will be 5 years old next month. Am I really going to blow up his world, blow up his family, over drinking? Most of the world (at least my world) drinks like his dad and his family, my family. I am going to blow up everything because I don't like "normal"?
I still lack strong sober support. I have my ladies at my weekly meeting but what I really need to do is build up a sober life. When I leave (if I leave?) I want to have a good strong life to step into. I want to have friends to hang with, people who would want to vacation, so that I have a full life and also so that I have a new Normal to share with my son. I don't have that now and I think it will take much longer than 2 months for me to build it. I can only build it if I put my time and energy and focus there, and not on my husband and son. So far I've gone to one meeting/week, not wanting to entirely neglect my husband and son. Moving forward, I need to put more focus on meetings/hanging with sober people. This is just one more step away from the husband and towards an alcohol-free future.
The biggest single threat to my own sobriety has been the thought: "If I have a glass of wine and just give in, then all of this family struggle goes away. I will go back to being one of them, and I don't have to destroy my family." I have had that thought a few times recently- looking at a bottle of beer and thinking, "I better be DAMNED sure that I am never going back to drinking, because I am going to blow up everything for my son over it."
But of course, that first thought is a lie. Things do not get better if I start drinking again. Life only gets worse, life is a hundred thousand times better sober than drinking. As for the second thought: I do not ever want to go back. I don't know what the future holds but I know that a future without drinking is going to be a much better future.
I want to figure it all out tonight, but alas, it isn't going to happen. I have a mental plan to go see a lawyer just to find out preliminary information on separation and divorce in my state. If we were to divorce, what is the likely arrangement? Child support? Custody? I continue to pay down bills to finish off our last bit of debt, then I can put my paycheck into my own banking account in good conscience. I believe if I leave, I can find a place where I can swing rent and child care, which would free up the husband to take care of the mortgage (I am not staying and trying to maintain our house on my own.) I have the map in my head. It's just a matter of making the move. December 2nd...nothing until then. And maybe not even then, but likely it will be soon thereafter....
This was our 3rd annual vacation together. The last two times, I was watching and trying to moderate my drinking. I was successful last year because I was sick; the year before I was much less successful. This year, I wasn't drinking at all, happily. I and my 4 year old son were the only ones not drinking.
I truly felt like a stranger in a strange land. I was there, with people who I know and love, in the same house, the same beach, the same vacation environment. Yet I was just completely separate from them. They were focused on drinking. Not everyone was a drunk idiot....but most of them were. My husband woke me up at 3 AM one night because he and his sister and my aunt were getting into a drunk heated argument. I told him to come to bed but he didn't, he went back out to argue longer. I went back to sleep.
It was enlightening for me to see how much alcohol and drinking mattered to this group. That first glass of wine, beer, drink was the Ultimate Experience, What They Looked Forward To Most each day (several times/day), every day. It mattered that much to me, too, only 10 months ago. I know how it felt from the inside- it looks even worse from the outside. I had no idea how bad it looked until now.
I had a nice time being out on the beach. I got in a few good runs. My mom and my MIL and I went out kayaking, which was cool. We all went out on a big fishing boat with my little one. I spent as much time on my own as I could, reading on the beach, knitting by the pool. My husband mostly hung out with my SIL and her fella, out fishing.
My son had a blast. He loved being with his grandparents. He loved the ocean. He loved having everyone together.
For me though...this experience just infused me with more knowledge that my current marital/family situation will not stand much longer. There is no way I am going to go on another one of these family vacations. I'm not sure what I will say or do to explain it, but I have time to figure that out.
It could very well be moot anyway. I have contingency plans for separation from the husband. My program suggests that no major changes be made for the first year of sobriety, any my first year will be over on Dec 2nd. My son is what really stops me- my husband has made an attempt and has cut down on his drinking. It just isn't enough for me personally. Getting drunk weekly is not really significantly better than getting drunk most days of the week. I mean, sure, it's "better", but I am not willing to live with either one. He is not interested in quitting. In an ideal world, he would want to quit. In an ideal world, we would stay together. I still love him very much. He is a great dad, a good guy, when he isn't drinking, and most of the time he is still decent even when he is drinking. He is not mean or violent....just annoying as all get out, and on rare occasion he does something risky. I just have no tolerance for frequent drinking any more.
But then- my son. He will be 5 years old next month. Am I really going to blow up his world, blow up his family, over drinking? Most of the world (at least my world) drinks like his dad and his family, my family. I am going to blow up everything because I don't like "normal"?
I still lack strong sober support. I have my ladies at my weekly meeting but what I really need to do is build up a sober life. When I leave (if I leave?) I want to have a good strong life to step into. I want to have friends to hang with, people who would want to vacation, so that I have a full life and also so that I have a new Normal to share with my son. I don't have that now and I think it will take much longer than 2 months for me to build it. I can only build it if I put my time and energy and focus there, and not on my husband and son. So far I've gone to one meeting/week, not wanting to entirely neglect my husband and son. Moving forward, I need to put more focus on meetings/hanging with sober people. This is just one more step away from the husband and towards an alcohol-free future.
The biggest single threat to my own sobriety has been the thought: "If I have a glass of wine and just give in, then all of this family struggle goes away. I will go back to being one of them, and I don't have to destroy my family." I have had that thought a few times recently- looking at a bottle of beer and thinking, "I better be DAMNED sure that I am never going back to drinking, because I am going to blow up everything for my son over it."
But of course, that first thought is a lie. Things do not get better if I start drinking again. Life only gets worse, life is a hundred thousand times better sober than drinking. As for the second thought: I do not ever want to go back. I don't know what the future holds but I know that a future without drinking is going to be a much better future.
I want to figure it all out tonight, but alas, it isn't going to happen. I have a mental plan to go see a lawyer just to find out preliminary information on separation and divorce in my state. If we were to divorce, what is the likely arrangement? Child support? Custody? I continue to pay down bills to finish off our last bit of debt, then I can put my paycheck into my own banking account in good conscience. I believe if I leave, I can find a place where I can swing rent and child care, which would free up the husband to take care of the mortgage (I am not staying and trying to maintain our house on my own.) I have the map in my head. It's just a matter of making the move. December 2nd...nothing until then. And maybe not even then, but likely it will be soon thereafter....
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