Calmer Skies Today

Ah, today has been a new day.  I read through Unsmashed's blog and it is awesome!  She is really inspirational. I can really relate to her early days of trying to keep everyone the same, and also she is one of the bloggers who live with a husband who still drinks and whose family is full of drinkers.

She made a smarter decision than I have re meetings. She went to more meetings, and she built up a good support group early on, once she hit her last Day One.  It has been suggested to me that I need to go to more meetings to stay sober.  My issue has been, I have only very rarely been tempted to drink.  Even my beer bottle "stare-downs" and "Better be sure of this because you're about to destroy your family" moments are not really about me drinking, they have been about me trying to avoid disrupting my family.  I have been fortunate (knock wood, anti-jinx) to not have much of a desire to drink.  So I haven't worried too much about hitting up meetings to counter-act the desire for a drink.

But I really, truly need to go to more meetings, meet more people, be in the company of people who live happily and freely without alcohol.  I haven't wanted to disrupt my husband and son's lives more and I've been loath to reply on my husband; but I am looking seriously at divorce, that is a major disruption, so might as well start small now, eh?  And maybe hopefully avoid the divorce thing.

This was a much calmer day.  My husband and I spent most of it together, running post-vacation errands while my mom watched our son.  It was peaceful and actually quite lovely.   We ended up holding hands and will be watching a movie together tonight.  If he opts to stay sober it might end up being a fabulous day.  These are the days I wish we could have every day.

I think I need to find an additional prayer.  When I was on vacation, "Bless them, heal me please" was my mantra. It was very helpful.  But maybe re my husband, maybe I need to double-down on the Serenity Prayer--  accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, wisdom to know the difference.  Really, maybe wisdom, acceptance, serenity is all that is needed.

I just don't know.  I want to be serene and reach indifference on whether or not the husband is drinking.  I just don't know if it is possible or even a smart goal.  His drinking doesn't affect my drinking; it is a tolerance issue on my end.  I don't want to invest my time, my heart, my future, into a partner who uses alcohol regularly.  I know it's not fair to him, and for sure it isn't fair to my son.

Well, it's been suggested to me that when I don't know what to do, to do nothing.  It goes against my nature to not make a plan of action, to not make contingencies. Well, I have them in my head already anyway.  But it was a lovely day today, I will just enjoy it.