Post-Easter musings

Well, my dear blog! It's been a while!

I remain happily, gratefully sober.

I've read several blogs where the author begins to feel differently around Day 120, and that's where I am right now.  I am starting to descend from the Pink Cloud.

Mostly what is going on right now is that I am much more clearly feeling my emotions.  I used to restrict myself from going onto Facebook or forums after one glass of wine, because I didn't want to get over-emotional. Now, I am actually over-emotional while sober! But I just deal with it, it's all good. Sober, I am not ashamed of an effusive post or comment- I used to emotionally twist in shame the following morning when drinking.  Now, it might be overdone but even so,  I actually mean it.

Sometimes though it takes a while for my ability to identify feelings.  For instance, it is Tuesday and I just realized today that I was feeling lonely on Sunday, which was Easter.  I was at my mom's house, with my cousins and their kids, an aunt/uncle, my mom, and my husband and son.  My cousins weren't drinking but all the other adults were.

I don't missing drinking at all, thankfully. I passed the wine, poured guests their wine, smelled it- and my reaction was the thought: I am free from this shit, thank you GOD!!!!!!!!!

I watched one adult (who generally doesn't care how trashed she gets) go all out for the holiday.  I watched my mom and husband carefully try to control their drinking. I was have a lot of experience doing both in the past and didn't miss either one.

But I did feel lonely. My cousins just don't drink much, they are 'normies.'  The rest of my family drinks a lot.  Like me, none of them have run into problems drinking, no DUIs, broken relationships, lost jobs, etc.  I am trying to avoid observing or judging them but it is impossible.  It is literally right in front of my face.  I can't help but see them trying to slow down, talk about "Oh, I'll have a little more, even though I shouldn't- tomorrow is a work day", then later sneak several additional small amounts in the glass- basically, do all the things that I've done for years.

I had no desire to join in- in fact, seeing it all just reinforces for me how awesome it is to be off that hook.  But I did feel as though I was in my own tree, so to speak.

I have been going to a women's AA meeting; I need to hang with those awesome ladies more often. It helps to talk this stuff through with people who are in the same tree, who have also experienced and successfully transitioned to a sober life.

It is such an odd thing- this place.  My day-to-day life hasn't changed much. I still get up, get my son ready for school, go to work, make dinner, try to clean in the evening and play with my son, get him into bath and bed, spend some time with husband, then get to bed myself. It's the same.

But emotionally/mentally the landscape has totally changed.  I am feeling all sorts of goals sort of well up, spring up, from inside. I want to get healthier, run more races, hang out with sober friends.   I am in the process of building a new life.  I feel like I am separating from my family. Hopefully it is just an overblown fear.

Valentines Day challenges

Hello, my sober lovelies!!

It's been quite a while since my last post! Things have been moving on.  I am still alcohol-free and extremely grateful for it. The longer I get out from the last drink, the more precious my young sobriety has become to me.

I found out that a women's AA group meets weekly near my home, and have been going.  It's a small group of kick-ass women, all of whom have years of sobriety.  I walked in and the person with the next lowest sober number was 2 years! She was chairing the meeting. They welcomed me with open arms and have been a great support.

I have the Big Book, Allen Carr's book, and Jason Vale's book on my phone, so I can pull up any of them at any moment if needed.  I don't use the Big Book often so far but the Carr and Vale text are read frequently in times of temptation, of which yesterday was the biggest to date.

Oh Valentine's Day. I don't know what it was about yesterday, but I was thinking of opening a bottle of wine and having a lovely night with my husband.  I thought about how nice it would be to have a night with just the two of us, talking, dancing, like the "good old days"- I could see it so clearly in my mind.

Yesterday was HARD. I sent some texts to two women in the AA group and they helped talk me down.  One of them said "If you think of a good enough reason to drink today, all me first, we'll see if there are other options."

My husband had asked me to get babysitting and told me he took care of the rest.  This was really unusual but very nice! It turns out, he got us tickets to a Murder-Mystery dinner. We've never done anything like that- it was fun!  The show was about the Cheers bar, so that was interesting. It was very entertaining- much more than I'd expected.

And, it ran later than expected. So by the time we got home, I'd worked out what would have happened if I'd opened a bottle of wine.  Truth:

The reality is: there is no need to get drunk in order to have a lovely time together. It was hard to that yesterday.  I am so glad I got past yesterday.  I  feel like I ducked a bullet.

Today I started Belle's 100 day challenge! I am getting closer to 100 days already but my plan is to just keep on going.

And so: onwards. Today is day 75!

Feeling great!

Hello all out in Blog Land!  I've been super busy....lots going on. I've been planning and plotting a surprise birthday party for my mom that was supposed to take place yesterday- Mother Nature had other plans. She felt like it was time for some snow. She won that round.

Per LivingSober.org.nz I have been sober now for 53 days!  I've had some periods of temptation but two thoughts have pulled me through:

Primary thought: I don't really want a drink, I just want to feel different. I've read this on several blogs, I think it might have originated in the Bubble Hour? Or maybe that is just where I first heard it, I don't know.

But this I do know: it is really true. As soon I figured out what feeling I wanted to change, the desire for a drink disappeared.

Secondary thought:  Alcohol is a poison.  People who drink moderately might not drink enough to get sick from it, but that doesn't change the alcohol itself.  People survive small doses of toxins, sure. But ultimately? It feels a hell of a lot better once you stop administering poison to yourself on a frequent basis.

 

Here is how those two items have played out recently.

Even though the party was canceled, a small group of people came to my house yesterday and surprised my mom. She was totally shocked and very happy.  A few bottles of wine were consumed with great cheer- not by me, though.  And it's true- there were a few very stressful moments were I did think, I could use a drink!  But then I realized I was just stressed and poof, I was fine again.

My mom and I drove my sister to the train station this morning, and on the way back Mom told me that I really looked much better since I stopped drinking.  She said she never noticed it before but now "You have a glow to you."   I thanked her, and hearing that made me very happy.

 I do feel so much better- I can't even really describe it.  I haven't lost a lot of weight, only a few pounds. My life isn't somehow magic and sparkly. There are a handful of things that I thought would change that haven't. I still procrastinate horribly.  I am still disorganized and forgetful. I still have to watch my temper with my son- maybe even moreso and I thought for SURE that would change for the better.

But inside- I feel wonderful! I really do feel like I was poisoning myself, literally poisoning myself. I always thought people exaggerated, that alcohol poisoning was what happened when someone took way too much...and that you can take way too much of anything and also end up at the ER. I never seriously considered it as inherently bad for you.

I now believe it is inherently bad for you.  Maybe in small doses it's not harmful, but why would you try it? It feels so, so, so much better being sober.

One of the things that gave me a hard push towards sobriety last year was an interview I read in Time Magazine with Hip Hop god Russell Simmons. He said he stopped drinking because it felt better to meditate in the mornings than to drink at night. He talks about here as well:  http://eatocracy.cnn.com/2011/04/12/fame-bites-russell-simmons/

Before then, I never really considered that it might feel better to be sober. I was starting to get tired of feeling like crap after drinking, but I never thought that being sober straight up felt better than being drunk.  That in a head-to-head comparison, being sober would be more enjoyable than being drunk.

I used to love how I felt being drunk.  I used to joke that drinking and NOT getting drunk was alcohol abuse, because you weren't using it to do what it was made to do. Enjoying the drunk feeling was the whole POINT of drinking.

It is shocking to me to find out that actually, I feel miles better sober than I ever felt drunk. I feel better in the mornings- yes, of course. That's a no-brainer: no headaches, no dry mouth, no hangover.

But I also feel so much better at night. My body feels wonderful, healthy, a thousand times better than I did while drunk, even happy drunk. I love snuggling into bed sober, feeling great, looking forward to a terrific night's sleep, looking forward to another beautiful day in the morning.

And- toasting my guests yesterday with my lovely sober drinks yesterday, I am certain that I had just as much fun as the moderates/normies and WAY more fun than the ones who drink like I used to. I didn't have to pace. I didn't need to dutifully drink glasses of water between glasses of my AF specials. I wasn't worried about slurring my speech. I wasn't on high alert, being careful to control myself.

I don't ever want to go back there. In my brief moments of high stress, when I thought "I'd love a wine!!" I realized No. Really truly, No.  I want to be less stressed over the snow situation- I was stressed that our snow blower broke and was worried that people would show up before we had cleared out parking spaces. I didn't want those freaking wild turkeys (the real birds) to jump on our guests's cars like they were doing, I didn't want to feel the anxiety that someone would get hurt or their cars will get scratched.   That's all. Just stess over basic life. Drinking has nothing to do with it. Wine wouldn't improve any of it and I'd feel terrible afterwards. No way.

I love my sober life. It is becoming precious to me.

In other news- I read "Dry" by Augusten Burroughs and adored it.  I related so much to the euphoric feeling of belong that he describes in his first AA meeting- I felt that way when my then-fiance's parents took me to my first Naranon meeting.  And then he hated AA. And then he loved it again.

Based on that book I made sure I got to one meeting last week, on Monday when I was off work.  I got some phone numbers and two emails.  I found out that there is a women's meeting in my area on Tuesdays. I was hoping to go this week and maybe I will, if we are dug out by then (we are supposed to get a few feet of snow between now and Tuesday morning.)

I have more ramblings but it can wait until tomorrow.  Be well!

(Temporarily) Thwarted

Well, I tried to go to my first AA meeting (as a participant, anyway) today.  It is an unexpected Date Night tonight (my mother-in-law asked if she could take our son to her house for a movie/overnight/pancake breakfast event.)  This will be my first sober date night, other than when I was pregnant, in possibly my entire marriage. For the last eight years' worth of Date Nights, I wasn't necessarily raging drunk, but certainly we'd have drinks somewhere early on and definitely upon arriving home.

So I found myself thrown a bit.  I've been really nervous all day. I feel very tempted to drink and we haven't even started yet.  I won't drink, but I was hoping to catch a meeting, talk to some sober people...I knew it was time to make an attempt to get some outside support.

So I looked up meetings online and found one in a nearby hospital. I grabbed my son, his Kindle and headphones (so he could watch a movie during the meeting) and off we went.  Unfortunately, no one in the hospital knew anything about a meeting or where it might be held. The lady at the information desk said that the hospital used to host them, but that was a while ago and as far as she knew, they were no longer held there.  She sent me to where they used to be held...the room was dark and no one was around.

So.  Boo. I dropped off the boy on the way home, and hopped onto my laptop. Found a different website with more meetings...but none available today when I could get there.  Will simply try again later.

One good thing: my husband finished up his yard work late, so we basically have just enough time to catch a movie. No worries about going out to dinner/drinking then.  I am confident that I can come home and do my usual tea routine.

I got the book "Dry" by Augusten Burroughs out of the library and it is AWESOME. It is a big reason why I actively sought a meeting finally today.  Part of me would love to just stay home with a big pot of chai and finish the book...but I can wait for a kid-free morning tomorrow.  It will be good waking up clear-headed and feeling great, and snuggling in for a good read.

Sober life is really GOOD!!!!

Six Weeks

My darling husband today asked me, "Hey- have you had a drink since Christmas?"

I smiled and said, "I haven't had a drink since before Christmas. It's been six weeks today, actually!"

Six weeks! Rockin'!

So what's going on at 6 weeks?  My inner conversation continues.

"You really don't have a problem. This is not a big deal. One beer would be delightful."

"It's not like you're an alcoholic!  This experiment proves it! No problem here.  Just a little wine, you're having company over tomorrow- you can have a glass then if you want."

I am usually able to dismiss these thoughts pretty easily. I'm just trying to sit and watch them come and go.  It's just noise.

What's harder is that I thought more things would change. I thought:

• I'd lose weight
• I'd remember more
• I'd do fewer stupid things (like forgetting to turn on the dryer after loading it)
• I'd lose more weight
• I'd be doing so many things differently, like going out more often

None of the items on the list have changed (at least not yet.)  These were motivations for me, and it's a bit disheartening to see that none of my hopes on them have panned out to date.

Still- even if I haven't lost weight, I look and feel better.

Even though I still forget things, and make stupid errors that I'd attribute to a tipsy/drunken evening, at least I'm not actively killing brain cells via wine!

While it's true that my social life still stinks, I am now reading, blogging, knitting, instead of drinking and it is much more productive! My brain is expanding rather than shrinking.

And most of all- I just feel so much better. I have my drinking buddy with me each night, and I can see that he is just not all that happy, especially by now, 11 PM EST.  He is tired, cranky.  He's not mean, or a dick, or out of control- he is just disgruntled.  And I think that is how I felt, too- it's not so much that things were wrong, as it was that things were just not right.

I am much more content and feel more stable, more peaceful, without drinking.  It is just better.

That's really the big surprise- how despite few real changes, the experience of life is so much better!

I feel happy and proud to be at six weeks; at the same time, it is a drop in the bucket for what I hope will be lifetime sobriety from here on.  I've been reading and I see that many people in the first few months don't lose much weight, crave a lot of sugar (and OMG! I have not eaten these many carbs in year!), and have the same kinds of mental conversations as I'm having.  I feel like I am right on schedule. Just have to keep on keeping on, as the saying goes....

Monday Monday

Wow, so I logged onto Living Sober this evening- within minutes I had people posting to me, saying Hi and Welcome. Totally lovely!

I am coming up on 6 weeks. In some ways, I feel like I am in a "new normal".  I very rarely get a "Wine o'clock" urge. I love looking forward to my teas and other lovely beverages, none of which are inebriating. I am enjoying my nights, playing with my son, reading again- novels, non-fiction books, and blogs- knitting up a storm, watching Outlander on demand when the boy and husband are asleep.

On the other hand- sometimes there are quiet moments with almost unconscious urges to grab a beer or open the wine.  It's odd, like hardly even a thought, more like a habit. Like how you might be driving home, thinking about an issue, and even though you get home safely you hardly remember how.

I have 20-some years of drinking habits, so I guess it's not too surprising that sometimes I reach for the bottle without thinking.  The main thing is- I always realize it before I touch anything.

It's odd- I really don't want to drink alcohol. I don't want to get buzzed or drunk. I watch my husband drink each night- he had a medical procedure done  (nothing serious) and has been out of work for the last week.  He is drinking more than usual since he doesn't have work. It looks boring as fuck to be honest. He's slurring, cranky, tired, unfocused. Falling asleep very early on the couch. There's nothing appealing about it.

And yet- my brain is working, questioning.
"If you can stop this easily, how can you think you have a problem?"
"It's not like anything went bad for you while you were drinking. No one even notices the change."
"Seriously, a wine tonight won't hurt anything."

Bah.  The fact is- I can't feel as good as I feel now if I drink, even a little bit of alcohol. I know this and repeat it often.  The fact is- alcohol is a poison. It really does nothing.  These are my truths and mantras.

It's funny how entrenched drinking is.  Jason Vale says it is the only drug that you have to defend against not taking. He says "I am a non-drinker. I am a non-heroin addict, too, but you wouldn't hold that against me."

I haven't run into any situations where people have asked me if I'd like a drink since the New Year, but even so, I found it interesting. Anytime I said "No thanks!" they wanted to know a reason why.  there is a belief that alcohol is so amazing, the only reason you'd abstain is if you had a problem with it.  Can't possibly be that alcohol just sucks, really.  I know a few people who always disliked drinking. I always thought they were weird, but now I think they were onto something.

My brain tries to convince me that There Is No Problem, so go ahead and have a drink!  I don't want to drink alcohol, problem or no problem.  I had a "Near Beer" (O'Douls) while watching football this weekend. It was great!  It actually tasted OK but didn't get me messed up. I had two, one each half of the game, and it was fine. I don't know if I could handle AF wine without being a trigger but the Near Beer was perfect for the game.

Anyway, glad to be at Day 40.  Onward!

Saturday Night, Ready to Rumble....

This has been the first really hard day- the first time my evil Molester has shown his cunning, trying to get back in.  It's gotten worse as the day's gone, moving into Saturday night:

"You don't really have an issue.  What's one or two beers every 30 days or so? Totally acceptable! TOTALLY acceptable, in fact you might even call it NORMAL. Come on....what's the worst that can happen? You have three? You can sleep in tomorrow. This is your chance to see that you are actually a normal drinker. Don't miss out!"

Yeah? And FUCK YOU.

Luckily, there is an easily identifiable, clear, shiny, bright trigger, and I feel stupid about it. It is, of all things, FOOTBALL.

But not just *any* football-  Playoff football.

And not even just Playoff Football. It is Steelers Playoff Football.

I have been a Steelers fan for twenty years.  If there is ever an association in my mind, it is Steelers/football and beer. If I had any near-beer in the house, I'd be throwing 'em back right about now. In fact, if they they win tonight I will likely get some near-beer for next weekend. Maybe, we'll see.

But for today, we are not done yet.  It is the Penultimate Playoff Game for any good Steeler fan: the Beloved Steelers vs the Hated Ravens. Talk about a rivalry! My heartbeat has been elevated all day. I lived in Pittsburgh for years in the 90s and in Baltimore in the 00's- it is stupid but I take these games way too seriously! I am more stressed about this Wildcard Playoff game then I'd be if this was the Superbowl. For real.

The only good thing about this being the Ravens- like effing hell am I breaking my streak for the freaking RAVENS. Nope. Not gonna happen.

I have more to blog about- I especially wanted to clarify about my post yesterday and my guy.  I put that he is a buzzed drinker and I want to clarify that really that is the case. He very rarely appears more than mildly buzzed. One of the things I really hate about myself right now is that I am watching others' drinking and really want to NOT be judgmental. Right now, hubby is playing with our son. I am the only football lover in the house, so he's keeping our little one occupied. Love him!

Anyway, the game is back on so I'm off the blog.GO STEELERS! (And stay sober, my friends!)

UPDATE: My Steelers lost.  If I'd given in, I would be sad that not only did my Steelers lose, but I would have lost my mojo. I'd wake up tired, regretful, hungover.  Even if the Steelers had won and I'd given in and had beer (then I am sure more...) I'd still have lost. There is NOTHING to be gained and alcohol could not have made this night any better- only worse.