I live in a boozy family, both personal and extended. Other than when I was pregnant, it was very, very rare to be at an extended family dinner without all adults drinking. (Since my husband and I have been together, I am the only one who has gotten pregnant.) I really can't recall a time when every adult at the table didn't have some wine or a beer or a cocktail, but I'm sure there must have been sometimes, since we get together pretty frequently. Maybe someone had to go to work or wasn't feeling well. Not everyone is problem drinker- I've only seen my father-in-law rocked a few times in the eight years I've been part of his family. My MIL I think very, very rarely drinks unless she is with the family. But definitely, everyone drinks, and every single one of us has drunken well into excess, most of us many times. It's how we roll and all that.
One of my greatest fears is that I will work my way right out of this family as a sober person, or at least become disengaged and moved to the outskirts. I had to do a lot of deep breathing and calming over the past few weeks, as I've geared up for how and when and whether and what to tell people.
I waited a week to tell my husband that I wasn't going to drink anymore. He had just come home from meeting up with his dad- they went to his dad's favorite bar for Happy Hour. Husband shared a joke his dad told him and his crew at the bar, to explain why his wife wasn't there too: "I found a way to half the bar bill! Keep the wife at home!" And I laughed and said, "I found a better way! I'm just not drinking anymore! Permanently keeps the bill down!"
Husband was surprised. "Really? Since when?"
"Not long, only a week or so."
"Well, I support you 100%". And that was the conversation. I am afraid to really discuss anything more with him, at least for now. I don't know how to, as I am afraid that anything I say will be taken as criticism of him, or as me trying to convince him to quit, too.
He drinks even more than I did and continues to do so. I just don't see him ever wanting to stop. He's very functional, a lot like his dad- most of the time you can't really tell that he has been drinking. He works every day. He is mostly healthy. He either hides it well, or he just doesn't have the same outcomes to the extent that I did, I don't know. I know he sometimes has blackouts and on occasion gets sick, but both seem to be pretty rare. He's not a normie but he's not a home-wrecking, out-of-control drinker either.
He hasn't batted an eye at my sobriety or really said much since the conversation. He expressed surprise when I didn't go drinking with my BFF on a recent visit, and when I told him and my sister that I was anxious about telling my sister-in-law that I wasn't drinking on Christmas Eve.
Both he and my sister were shocked my admission that it was the one thing I was most stressed about. I expected my SIL to give me a hard time- she tends to really take a go at things, like a puppy with a chew toy. She can have a hard time letting go.
Happily, my fears were overblown. My SIL was surprised, "For the love for God, why? Why would do that? And at Christmas and New Years, too- what timing!!!" then she swung to my husband "YOU haven't gone on the wagon too, have you? Then we'd REALLY be in trouble!" And other than some eye-rolling, that was it. Easy peasy. My MIL was also there and didn't say anything, I don't think she cares one way or the other. She is by far the person who drinks the least among us, she is probably happy to have another person around who isn't trying to get trashed.
My sister has gone on and off the wagon numerous times and just said "Good for you, baby!" She was totally cool with it. My mom was shocked because she doesn't think I have a problem and said, "Well, we'll just have tea when we are together." I just laughed and said, "Please don't! Carry on as normal, Mums. I am fine. and really just don't want it anymore."
I haven't really said anything to my FIL and his wife, other than "No thanks- not drinking today" when offered some booze on Christmas. I turned down booze the last time I saw them, too, in early December. I have embarrassed myself so many times in front of them- especially last Christmas/my birthday at their house and again earlier this year- that I have been either strictly moderating or just not drinking in front of them since June or July, so this is nothing new.
So I've gotten through the Christmas holidays and my birthday without any big issues or blow-ups. I am very relieved at this, Of course New Years is coming up, another party at my SIL's house. Then it will be back to a more normal life- I am hugely looking forward to it.
I don't really think things will change much with my mom or sister, or my FIL, his wife, and MIL. I am very afraid things will change with my husband. I think they are simply going to change with my SIL, but it will be fine.
My view as it is today: What will be will be. I don't know the future of my relationships. I only know I can be more genuine and actually present when I'm sober, and that fear isn't going to help here. The only thing to do is take it as it comes and roll with it.
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