Stranger in a Strange Land

So I am finally, gratefully, back home after a week-long vacation with my mom, my husband and son, my aunt and uncle, and my sister-in-law and her fella.  All of us in a big house on the beach, a day's drive from home.

This was our 3rd annual vacation together.  The last two times, I was watching and trying to moderate my drinking.  I was successful last year because I was sick; the year before I was much less successful.  This year, I wasn't drinking at all, happily.  I and my 4 year old son were the only ones not drinking.

I truly felt like a stranger in a strange land.  I was there, with people who I know and love, in the same house, the same beach, the same vacation environment.  Yet I was just completely separate from them.  They were focused on drinking.  Not everyone was a drunk idiot....but most of them were.  My husband woke me up at 3 AM one night because he and his sister and my aunt were getting into a drunk heated argument.  I told him to come to bed but he didn't, he went back out to argue longer.  I went back to sleep.

It was enlightening for me to see how much alcohol and drinking mattered to this group. That first glass of wine, beer, drink was the Ultimate Experience, What They Looked Forward To Most each day (several times/day), every day. It mattered that much to me, too, only 10 months ago.  I know how it felt from the inside- it looks even worse from the outside.  I had no idea how bad it looked until now.

I had a nice time being out on the beach.  I got in a few good runs.  My mom and my MIL and I went out kayaking, which was cool.  We all went out on a big fishing boat with my little one.  I spent as much time on my own as I could, reading on the beach, knitting by the pool.  My husband mostly hung out with my SIL and her fella, out fishing.

My son had a blast.  He loved being with his grandparents.  He loved the ocean.  He loved having everyone together.

For me though...this experience just infused me with more knowledge that my current marital/family situation will not stand much longer.  There is no way I am going to go on another one of these family vacations.  I'm not sure what I will say or do to explain it, but I have time to figure that out.

It could very well be moot anyway.  I have contingency plans for separation from the husband.  My program suggests that no major changes be made for the first year of sobriety, any my first year will be over on Dec 2nd.  My son is what really stops me-  my husband has made an attempt and has cut down on his drinking.  It just isn't enough for me personally.  Getting drunk weekly is not really significantly better than getting drunk most days of the week.  I mean, sure, it's "better", but I am not willing to live with either one.  He is not interested in quitting.  In an ideal world, he would want to quit.  In an ideal world, we would stay together.  I still love him very much. He is a great dad, a good guy, when he isn't drinking, and most of the time he is still decent even when he is drinking.  He is not mean or violent....just annoying as all get out, and on rare occasion he does something risky.  I just have no tolerance for frequent drinking any more.

But then-  my son.  He will be 5 years old next month.  Am I really going to blow up his world, blow up his family, over drinking?  Most of the world (at least my world) drinks like his dad and his family, my family.  I am going to blow up everything because I don't like "normal"?

I still lack strong sober support.  I have my ladies at my weekly meeting but what I really need to do is build up a sober life.  When I leave (if I leave?) I want to have a good strong life to step into.  I want to have friends to hang with, people who would want to vacation, so that I have a full life and also so that I have a new Normal to share with my son.  I don't have that now and I think it will take much longer than 2 months for me to build it.  I can only build it if I put my time and energy and focus there, and not on my husband and son.  So far I've gone to one meeting/week, not wanting to entirely neglect my husband and son.  Moving forward, I need to put more focus on meetings/hanging with sober people. This is just one more step away from the husband and towards an alcohol-free future.

The biggest single threat to my own sobriety has been the thought:  "If I have a glass of wine and just give in, then all of this family struggle goes away.  I will go back to being one of them, and I don't have to destroy my family."   I have had that thought a few times recently-  looking at a bottle of beer and thinking, "I better be DAMNED sure that I am never going back to drinking, because I am going to blow up everything for my son over it."

But of course, that first thought is a lie.  Things do not get better if I start drinking again.  Life only gets worse, life is a hundred thousand times better sober than drinking. As for the second thought:  I do not ever want to go back.  I don't know what the future holds but I know that a future without drinking is going to be a much better future.

I want to figure it all out tonight, but alas, it isn't going to happen.  I have a mental plan to go see a lawyer just to find out preliminary information on separation and divorce in my state.  If we were to divorce, what is the likely arrangement?  Child support?  Custody?  I continue to pay down bills to finish off our last bit of debt, then I can put my paycheck into my own banking account in good conscience. I believe if I leave, I can find a place where I can swing rent and child care, which would free up the husband to take care of the mortgage (I am not staying and trying to maintain our house on my own.)  I have the map in my head.  It's just a matter of making the move.  December 2nd...nothing until then.  And maybe not even then, but likely it will be soon thereafter....

Sobriety: Feeling Limitless

Well, readers!  

I have been sober a little over seven months.  I am madly in love with being alcohol-free.  Alcohol really is just like cigarettes were for me. I thought that cigarettes made me feel good, I thought they were something that ensured I had lovely breaks throughout the day, it was something social to do.  I loved smoking.  I hated how much they cost, though, and I hated the nicotine fits, and I knew that they were causing me physical harm.

Each of the many times I quit smoking, I felt physically better, after a short illness (I always got a cold of some sort the first week being smoke-free.)  I had more energy.  I liked the freedom.

Even so, I went back to smoking many, many times.  At one point I had gone over a year without smoking, only to bum a smoke from a hot guy in Ireland to strike up a conversation, when a group of patrons stepped outside to smoke.  It took me TWO YEARS to successfully quit again.  My last smoke was Oct 8 2006- it will be 9 years this fall!

It wasn't until I read Allen Carr's book that I found the crux of the reason on why quitting smoking was so incredibly difficult for me:  I still thought that I was missing out on something I enjoyed by quitting smoking.  I knew I was happier being free, saving money, being healthier etc. as a non-smoker, but it never occurred to me that I now realized- there is absolutely ZERO benefit to smoking.  Whatever 'high' it gave was useless.  

And I am all about that now with alcohol.  It is useless. There is nothing gained by taking a drink. Nothing. It is really just a toxin.  It blunts not only one's emotions, logic, inhibitions- it also saps energy, and well-being.  The 'high' is just like a cigarette high- totally useless. It's a delusion.

I am so filled with energy and well-being at this point in my life. I am 43 years old, I am still quite overweight, and I feel just *amazing*.  I really enjoy running, hitting the gym, swimming with my son, walking with my mom, just being active.  I have a weird "push" for movement, an energy, just coursing through me. I signed up for a Spartan race with some friends and started training immediately- I need something to do, somewhere to funnel this new spring of life force. That sounds so cheesy, I just don't know what to call it! I am so excited at the idea of gaining some upper body strength and just having a strong, fit body. I don't need to be skinny. I just want to be well. 

I don't know if other bloggers feel this way.  I read people who still struggle.  I read about people who find staying sober to be very difficult.  I really think it's just that they still believe all the drinkers are the "lucky" ones, and that their life would somehow be better if they, too, could drink.

I believe in Carr's main steps but I also go to AA.  I really desperately need the fellowship.  I don't know where I'd be without my sober sisters in my woman's meeting.  Most are several years' sober. 

They are definitely serene. I trust them. It's a very small, close-knit group.  I feel so lucky to have met them.

Almost everything in my life is going so well, it is scary.  I just started my new, kick-ass, position at work.  I got assigned by luck to my dream job.  I can't believe they are going to pay me (and pay me quite well!) to do this.  Things are going great with my son.  I love my AA sisters, I feel fabulous. 

The only thing that isn't going well is my marriage.  My AA friend tells me to hang out, no big changes for the first year, make plans if it makes me feel better but otherwise just let it work out for now.  Things will continue to look very differently.  Just take of myself and my son.  

So I am following their advice.  But at this point, I don't see a future with my husband.  He is back to daily drinking.  He has every right to do so-  I am the one who has changed, who is continuing to change.  I am becoming a totally new person inside and hopefully out as well.  It isn't really fair to him.

But it is what it is.  I am never, ever going back to drinking (God willing!) I would not want that life again for 100 million dollars. I have no interest in talking with my husband when he's trashed. I certainly don't want to hang out with him when he's drunk.  He is drunk every night. He is what I used to be, so I can't slag on him. 

But I am done with it.  I don't mind being around people who are drinking on occasion.  It's not a big deal.  But on a daily basis? No thanks.

In my dreams, I am bounding off into my new, beautiful, sober life.  I don't worry about money being poured down someone's throat.  I don't worry about whether or not we have wine in the house. Tonight my son's glow stick broke and some of the chemicals got in his eyes.  My husband was drunk and flustered.  I was clear-thinking, got my son into the bathroom, flushed his eyes out, called poison control.  I don't want to worry whether or not I can handle my son.  In my dreams, I am in my own place, me and my son, we are happy and healthy and sane.  My husband doesn't think so, but his life really is barely manageable. He is on an emotional roller-coaster of doubt, anxiety, hostility, resentment, punctuated by a few 'happy' moments found in his booze. I don't want any of that noise anymore. 

I guess I am still on a pink cloud, but it's seriously amped up.  I know things can't continue on this Ride of Excellence forever- life just doesn't work that way.  I know that my dreams are just that:  an idealized version of what I'd like to have happen, without any consideration of the inevitable difficulties, regrets, unintended consequences that occur in real life.  

I look at my son and think:  am I really considering breaking up his family because his dad drinks a "few" each night (I don't really know how many...but he freaking reeks of it, has thrown up, etc.)?  Everyone in my family and almost everyone in his family does the same (mostly though only really having 2 or 3).  It is really fair? 

The answer is a clear Yes.  I don't care what my family does, I don't care what my husband's family does.  I am happy to break out of our alcohol-focused family dynamic. But today is not the day.  I am in the dreaming and planning stage- sometimes.  Mostly, I just want to enjoy the loveliness that is the feeling of life, Now, Today.

So I stick with my AA girl, M's, recommendation.  She's already walked my path.  She says, "every day, ask yourself, "Is today the day for action regarding your marriage?"  If it's not, just do what you have to do to get through the day. Take of yourself and your child.  Build up your lives. It will become clearer. You'll have taken all the steps by then and you'll know it-whatever it is- is truly the right thing to do."  

But a girl can dream.  And outside of the husband, it is all beautiful right now. I am loving life at 200+ days of being sober.  May it continue. 

200 Days!

I've already heard people say "Life is better sober! Keep at it, it's worth it!"  I never really knew what they meant by "better".  I always figured that they meant that life was "better" because they weren't hungover, or had more money.  I thought they meant that when you weigh out the pros and cons, that they felt it was better to be without the benefits, the buzz, of alcohol because the pros outweighed it.  In other words, I thought that they still missed alcohol because DUH, who doesn't?

Tomorrow will be the 200th day into my new sober life.  I can say without hesitation that it is better in every way.  There is no question of "giving up the benefits/buzz".  I see zero benefit in an alcoholic buzz anymore.  I don't miss alcohol- what is there to miss?

I am way too busy enjoying the much more intense loveliness of life.  I physically feel incredible.  Even now, sitting here typing with a sick son and low-grade fever, I feel actually pretty good.  It is as if my body has come alive and is bursting with health.  I started to lose weight about a month ago and am down 10 lbs.  I've been running a few miles twice each week, walking (I have a Fitbit and love it),  swimming.  I have all this energy! I got a juicer.  I got a tremendous, career-changing promotion last week.

Don't get me wrong- it is still life, and there are still challenges.  But now-  I have more energy to deal with them.  My baseline is not anxiety, shame, exhaustion anymore.   I have a lot of emotions and at times feel cranky, irritable, but also happy, blissful, calm.  I have not felt anything approaching the gut-deep shame, wrenching anxiety that I used to feel at least 1-2 mornings each week, popping ibuprofen, chugging coffee and gatorade.

Life drinking was black-and-white Kansas, and life now is In-Color Oz.

I have been around a lot of alcohol lately.  I went to Belgium for work with colleagues, nearly all of whom took advantage of the French wines and Belgian Beers.  It's summer so there are get-togethers often, we will host one on Sunday, with wine and beer.  I've been to an award gala as well as holiday picnics. I found out another truth that I never believed before:  these events really are more fun if I'm not drinking.  I think it's because I overall feel better, and also because I am not constantly on edge, trying to control my drinking, trying to ensure that I don't look like a drunk.  Now I can just relax and enjoy things. I feel fun more intensely now, too. It's fabulous!

I've been to two restaurants lately and sat at the bar because there were no tables. Once when meeting a colleague for dinner and another on date night.   I have no desire to do the bar thing again, next time it happens I will opt to go to another restaurant.  I was not tempted, but people at bars are there to get trashed and it was really annoying.

One area that I've always been worried about was my relationship with my husband. I still really don't know where we are going to end up.  We had a huge blow-up in April, when he was drunk and was playing with our son...and he put our son in a very dangerous situation.  Even drunk, he realized what he did was stupid.  I let him know after that episode that things were going to change:  he was going to keep his drunk shit away from our son, or I was going to leave and do everything I legally could to keep our son safe. We are fortunate that our son wasn't hurt or even killed.  Husband stopped drinking in the house after that for about 6 weeks.  It was a very nice reprieve and we got a lot closer emotionally.

Recently though, he has picked back up again.  He is back to being miserable to be around in the evenings and passing out on the couch. Yawn.

I still am not making any big moves about it overtly.  We are paying down debt and making previously-planned improvements to the house, which will help if we do end up separating down the road.  Hopefully though we will be able to stay off that path. I hope that he is seeing his own issues and takes charge of them.  I know I went through several attempts at moderating  before accepting that I really just needed to stop.  I hope he comes to the same conclusion.  We have a wonderful family and have built a very nice life together.

I am now in Belle's 356 challenge and got one of her "Fuck You, Wolfie!" bracelets.  Love it.

That's it, my big update.  I hope you're enjoying a lovely sober life as well, if that is your goal! And it is a worth goal, my friend!

Post-Easter musings

Well, my dear blog! It's been a while!

I remain happily, gratefully sober.

I've read several blogs where the author begins to feel differently around Day 120, and that's where I am right now.  I am starting to descend from the Pink Cloud.

Mostly what is going on right now is that I am much more clearly feeling my emotions.  I used to restrict myself from going onto Facebook or forums after one glass of wine, because I didn't want to get over-emotional. Now, I am actually over-emotional while sober! But I just deal with it, it's all good. Sober, I am not ashamed of an effusive post or comment- I used to emotionally twist in shame the following morning when drinking.  Now, it might be overdone but even so,  I actually mean it.

Sometimes though it takes a while for my ability to identify feelings.  For instance, it is Tuesday and I just realized today that I was feeling lonely on Sunday, which was Easter.  I was at my mom's house, with my cousins and their kids, an aunt/uncle, my mom, and my husband and son.  My cousins weren't drinking but all the other adults were.

I don't missing drinking at all, thankfully. I passed the wine, poured guests their wine, smelled it- and my reaction was the thought: I am free from this shit, thank you GOD!!!!!!!!!

I watched one adult (who generally doesn't care how trashed she gets) go all out for the holiday.  I watched my mom and husband carefully try to control their drinking. I was have a lot of experience doing both in the past and didn't miss either one.

But I did feel lonely. My cousins just don't drink much, they are 'normies.'  The rest of my family drinks a lot.  Like me, none of them have run into problems drinking, no DUIs, broken relationships, lost jobs, etc.  I am trying to avoid observing or judging them but it is impossible.  It is literally right in front of my face.  I can't help but see them trying to slow down, talk about "Oh, I'll have a little more, even though I shouldn't- tomorrow is a work day", then later sneak several additional small amounts in the glass- basically, do all the things that I've done for years.

I had no desire to join in- in fact, seeing it all just reinforces for me how awesome it is to be off that hook.  But I did feel as though I was in my own tree, so to speak.

I have been going to a women's AA meeting; I need to hang with those awesome ladies more often. It helps to talk this stuff through with people who are in the same tree, who have also experienced and successfully transitioned to a sober life.

It is such an odd thing- this place.  My day-to-day life hasn't changed much. I still get up, get my son ready for school, go to work, make dinner, try to clean in the evening and play with my son, get him into bath and bed, spend some time with husband, then get to bed myself. It's the same.

But emotionally/mentally the landscape has totally changed.  I am feeling all sorts of goals sort of well up, spring up, from inside. I want to get healthier, run more races, hang out with sober friends.   I am in the process of building a new life.  I feel like I am separating from my family. Hopefully it is just an overblown fear.

Valentines Day challenges

Hello, my sober lovelies!!

It's been quite a while since my last post! Things have been moving on.  I am still alcohol-free and extremely grateful for it. The longer I get out from the last drink, the more precious my young sobriety has become to me.

I found out that a women's AA group meets weekly near my home, and have been going.  It's a small group of kick-ass women, all of whom have years of sobriety.  I walked in and the person with the next lowest sober number was 2 years! She was chairing the meeting. They welcomed me with open arms and have been a great support.

I have the Big Book, Allen Carr's book, and Jason Vale's book on my phone, so I can pull up any of them at any moment if needed.  I don't use the Big Book often so far but the Carr and Vale text are read frequently in times of temptation, of which yesterday was the biggest to date.

Oh Valentine's Day. I don't know what it was about yesterday, but I was thinking of opening a bottle of wine and having a lovely night with my husband.  I thought about how nice it would be to have a night with just the two of us, talking, dancing, like the "good old days"- I could see it so clearly in my mind.

Yesterday was HARD. I sent some texts to two women in the AA group and they helped talk me down.  One of them said "If you think of a good enough reason to drink today, all me first, we'll see if there are other options."

My husband had asked me to get babysitting and told me he took care of the rest.  This was really unusual but very nice! It turns out, he got us tickets to a Murder-Mystery dinner. We've never done anything like that- it was fun!  The show was about the Cheers bar, so that was interesting. It was very entertaining- much more than I'd expected.

And, it ran later than expected. So by the time we got home, I'd worked out what would have happened if I'd opened a bottle of wine.  Truth:

The reality is: there is no need to get drunk in order to have a lovely time together. It was hard to that yesterday.  I am so glad I got past yesterday.  I  feel like I ducked a bullet.

Today I started Belle's 100 day challenge! I am getting closer to 100 days already but my plan is to just keep on going.

And so: onwards. Today is day 75!

Feeling great!

Hello all out in Blog Land!  I've been super busy....lots going on. I've been planning and plotting a surprise birthday party for my mom that was supposed to take place yesterday- Mother Nature had other plans. She felt like it was time for some snow. She won that round.

Per LivingSober.org.nz I have been sober now for 53 days!  I've had some periods of temptation but two thoughts have pulled me through:

Primary thought: I don't really want a drink, I just want to feel different. I've read this on several blogs, I think it might have originated in the Bubble Hour? Or maybe that is just where I first heard it, I don't know.

But this I do know: it is really true. As soon I figured out what feeling I wanted to change, the desire for a drink disappeared.

Secondary thought:  Alcohol is a poison.  People who drink moderately might not drink enough to get sick from it, but that doesn't change the alcohol itself.  People survive small doses of toxins, sure. But ultimately? It feels a hell of a lot better once you stop administering poison to yourself on a frequent basis.

 

Here is how those two items have played out recently.

Even though the party was canceled, a small group of people came to my house yesterday and surprised my mom. She was totally shocked and very happy.  A few bottles of wine were consumed with great cheer- not by me, though.  And it's true- there were a few very stressful moments were I did think, I could use a drink!  But then I realized I was just stressed and poof, I was fine again.

My mom and I drove my sister to the train station this morning, and on the way back Mom told me that I really looked much better since I stopped drinking.  She said she never noticed it before but now "You have a glow to you."   I thanked her, and hearing that made me very happy.

 I do feel so much better- I can't even really describe it.  I haven't lost a lot of weight, only a few pounds. My life isn't somehow magic and sparkly. There are a handful of things that I thought would change that haven't. I still procrastinate horribly.  I am still disorganized and forgetful. I still have to watch my temper with my son- maybe even moreso and I thought for SURE that would change for the better.

But inside- I feel wonderful! I really do feel like I was poisoning myself, literally poisoning myself. I always thought people exaggerated, that alcohol poisoning was what happened when someone took way too much...and that you can take way too much of anything and also end up at the ER. I never seriously considered it as inherently bad for you.

I now believe it is inherently bad for you.  Maybe in small doses it's not harmful, but why would you try it? It feels so, so, so much better being sober.

One of the things that gave me a hard push towards sobriety last year was an interview I read in Time Magazine with Hip Hop god Russell Simmons. He said he stopped drinking because it felt better to meditate in the mornings than to drink at night. He talks about here as well:  http://eatocracy.cnn.com/2011/04/12/fame-bites-russell-simmons/

Before then, I never really considered that it might feel better to be sober. I was starting to get tired of feeling like crap after drinking, but I never thought that being sober straight up felt better than being drunk.  That in a head-to-head comparison, being sober would be more enjoyable than being drunk.

I used to love how I felt being drunk.  I used to joke that drinking and NOT getting drunk was alcohol abuse, because you weren't using it to do what it was made to do. Enjoying the drunk feeling was the whole POINT of drinking.

It is shocking to me to find out that actually, I feel miles better sober than I ever felt drunk. I feel better in the mornings- yes, of course. That's a no-brainer: no headaches, no dry mouth, no hangover.

But I also feel so much better at night. My body feels wonderful, healthy, a thousand times better than I did while drunk, even happy drunk. I love snuggling into bed sober, feeling great, looking forward to a terrific night's sleep, looking forward to another beautiful day in the morning.

And- toasting my guests yesterday with my lovely sober drinks yesterday, I am certain that I had just as much fun as the moderates/normies and WAY more fun than the ones who drink like I used to. I didn't have to pace. I didn't need to dutifully drink glasses of water between glasses of my AF specials. I wasn't worried about slurring my speech. I wasn't on high alert, being careful to control myself.

I don't ever want to go back there. In my brief moments of high stress, when I thought "I'd love a wine!!" I realized No. Really truly, No.  I want to be less stressed over the snow situation- I was stressed that our snow blower broke and was worried that people would show up before we had cleared out parking spaces. I didn't want those freaking wild turkeys (the real birds) to jump on our guests's cars like they were doing, I didn't want to feel the anxiety that someone would get hurt or their cars will get scratched.   That's all. Just stess over basic life. Drinking has nothing to do with it. Wine wouldn't improve any of it and I'd feel terrible afterwards. No way.

I love my sober life. It is becoming precious to me.

In other news- I read "Dry" by Augusten Burroughs and adored it.  I related so much to the euphoric feeling of belong that he describes in his first AA meeting- I felt that way when my then-fiance's parents took me to my first Naranon meeting.  And then he hated AA. And then he loved it again.

Based on that book I made sure I got to one meeting last week, on Monday when I was off work.  I got some phone numbers and two emails.  I found out that there is a women's meeting in my area on Tuesdays. I was hoping to go this week and maybe I will, if we are dug out by then (we are supposed to get a few feet of snow between now and Tuesday morning.)

I have more ramblings but it can wait until tomorrow.  Be well!

(Temporarily) Thwarted

Well, I tried to go to my first AA meeting (as a participant, anyway) today.  It is an unexpected Date Night tonight (my mother-in-law asked if she could take our son to her house for a movie/overnight/pancake breakfast event.)  This will be my first sober date night, other than when I was pregnant, in possibly my entire marriage. For the last eight years' worth of Date Nights, I wasn't necessarily raging drunk, but certainly we'd have drinks somewhere early on and definitely upon arriving home.

So I found myself thrown a bit.  I've been really nervous all day. I feel very tempted to drink and we haven't even started yet.  I won't drink, but I was hoping to catch a meeting, talk to some sober people...I knew it was time to make an attempt to get some outside support.

So I looked up meetings online and found one in a nearby hospital. I grabbed my son, his Kindle and headphones (so he could watch a movie during the meeting) and off we went.  Unfortunately, no one in the hospital knew anything about a meeting or where it might be held. The lady at the information desk said that the hospital used to host them, but that was a while ago and as far as she knew, they were no longer held there.  She sent me to where they used to be held...the room was dark and no one was around.

So.  Boo. I dropped off the boy on the way home, and hopped onto my laptop. Found a different website with more meetings...but none available today when I could get there.  Will simply try again later.

One good thing: my husband finished up his yard work late, so we basically have just enough time to catch a movie. No worries about going out to dinner/drinking then.  I am confident that I can come home and do my usual tea routine.

I got the book "Dry" by Augusten Burroughs out of the library and it is AWESOME. It is a big reason why I actively sought a meeting finally today.  Part of me would love to just stay home with a big pot of chai and finish the book...but I can wait for a kid-free morning tomorrow.  It will be good waking up clear-headed and feeling great, and snuggling in for a good read.

Sober life is really GOOD!!!!