Stranger in a Strange Land

So I am finally, gratefully, back home after a week-long vacation with my mom, my husband and son, my aunt and uncle, and my sister-in-law and her fella.  All of us in a big house on the beach, a day's drive from home.

This was our 3rd annual vacation together.  The last two times, I was watching and trying to moderate my drinking.  I was successful last year because I was sick; the year before I was much less successful.  This year, I wasn't drinking at all, happily.  I and my 4 year old son were the only ones not drinking.

I truly felt like a stranger in a strange land.  I was there, with people who I know and love, in the same house, the same beach, the same vacation environment.  Yet I was just completely separate from them.  They were focused on drinking.  Not everyone was a drunk idiot....but most of them were.  My husband woke me up at 3 AM one night because he and his sister and my aunt were getting into a drunk heated argument.  I told him to come to bed but he didn't, he went back out to argue longer.  I went back to sleep.

It was enlightening for me to see how much alcohol and drinking mattered to this group. That first glass of wine, beer, drink was the Ultimate Experience, What They Looked Forward To Most each day (several times/day), every day. It mattered that much to me, too, only 10 months ago.  I know how it felt from the inside- it looks even worse from the outside.  I had no idea how bad it looked until now.

I had a nice time being out on the beach.  I got in a few good runs.  My mom and my MIL and I went out kayaking, which was cool.  We all went out on a big fishing boat with my little one.  I spent as much time on my own as I could, reading on the beach, knitting by the pool.  My husband mostly hung out with my SIL and her fella, out fishing.

My son had a blast.  He loved being with his grandparents.  He loved the ocean.  He loved having everyone together.

For me though...this experience just infused me with more knowledge that my current marital/family situation will not stand much longer.  There is no way I am going to go on another one of these family vacations.  I'm not sure what I will say or do to explain it, but I have time to figure that out.

It could very well be moot anyway.  I have contingency plans for separation from the husband.  My program suggests that no major changes be made for the first year of sobriety, any my first year will be over on Dec 2nd.  My son is what really stops me-  my husband has made an attempt and has cut down on his drinking.  It just isn't enough for me personally.  Getting drunk weekly is not really significantly better than getting drunk most days of the week.  I mean, sure, it's "better", but I am not willing to live with either one.  He is not interested in quitting.  In an ideal world, he would want to quit.  In an ideal world, we would stay together.  I still love him very much. He is a great dad, a good guy, when he isn't drinking, and most of the time he is still decent even when he is drinking.  He is not mean or violent....just annoying as all get out, and on rare occasion he does something risky.  I just have no tolerance for frequent drinking any more.

But then-  my son.  He will be 5 years old next month.  Am I really going to blow up his world, blow up his family, over drinking?  Most of the world (at least my world) drinks like his dad and his family, my family.  I am going to blow up everything because I don't like "normal"?

I still lack strong sober support.  I have my ladies at my weekly meeting but what I really need to do is build up a sober life.  When I leave (if I leave?) I want to have a good strong life to step into.  I want to have friends to hang with, people who would want to vacation, so that I have a full life and also so that I have a new Normal to share with my son.  I don't have that now and I think it will take much longer than 2 months for me to build it.  I can only build it if I put my time and energy and focus there, and not on my husband and son.  So far I've gone to one meeting/week, not wanting to entirely neglect my husband and son.  Moving forward, I need to put more focus on meetings/hanging with sober people. This is just one more step away from the husband and towards an alcohol-free future.

The biggest single threat to my own sobriety has been the thought:  "If I have a glass of wine and just give in, then all of this family struggle goes away.  I will go back to being one of them, and I don't have to destroy my family."   I have had that thought a few times recently-  looking at a bottle of beer and thinking, "I better be DAMNED sure that I am never going back to drinking, because I am going to blow up everything for my son over it."

But of course, that first thought is a lie.  Things do not get better if I start drinking again.  Life only gets worse, life is a hundred thousand times better sober than drinking. As for the second thought:  I do not ever want to go back.  I don't know what the future holds but I know that a future without drinking is going to be a much better future.

I want to figure it all out tonight, but alas, it isn't going to happen.  I have a mental plan to go see a lawyer just to find out preliminary information on separation and divorce in my state.  If we were to divorce, what is the likely arrangement?  Child support?  Custody?  I continue to pay down bills to finish off our last bit of debt, then I can put my paycheck into my own banking account in good conscience. I believe if I leave, I can find a place where I can swing rent and child care, which would free up the husband to take care of the mortgage (I am not staying and trying to maintain our house on my own.)  I have the map in my head.  It's just a matter of making the move.  December 2nd...nothing until then.  And maybe not even then, but likely it will be soon thereafter....