200 Days!

I've already heard people say "Life is better sober! Keep at it, it's worth it!"  I never really knew what they meant by "better".  I always figured that they meant that life was "better" because they weren't hungover, or had more money.  I thought they meant that when you weigh out the pros and cons, that they felt it was better to be without the benefits, the buzz, of alcohol because the pros outweighed it.  In other words, I thought that they still missed alcohol because DUH, who doesn't?

Tomorrow will be the 200th day into my new sober life.  I can say without hesitation that it is better in every way.  There is no question of "giving up the benefits/buzz".  I see zero benefit in an alcoholic buzz anymore.  I don't miss alcohol- what is there to miss?

I am way too busy enjoying the much more intense loveliness of life.  I physically feel incredible.  Even now, sitting here typing with a sick son and low-grade fever, I feel actually pretty good.  It is as if my body has come alive and is bursting with health.  I started to lose weight about a month ago and am down 10 lbs.  I've been running a few miles twice each week, walking (I have a Fitbit and love it),  swimming.  I have all this energy! I got a juicer.  I got a tremendous, career-changing promotion last week.

Don't get me wrong- it is still life, and there are still challenges.  But now-  I have more energy to deal with them.  My baseline is not anxiety, shame, exhaustion anymore.   I have a lot of emotions and at times feel cranky, irritable, but also happy, blissful, calm.  I have not felt anything approaching the gut-deep shame, wrenching anxiety that I used to feel at least 1-2 mornings each week, popping ibuprofen, chugging coffee and gatorade.

Life drinking was black-and-white Kansas, and life now is In-Color Oz.

I have been around a lot of alcohol lately.  I went to Belgium for work with colleagues, nearly all of whom took advantage of the French wines and Belgian Beers.  It's summer so there are get-togethers often, we will host one on Sunday, with wine and beer.  I've been to an award gala as well as holiday picnics. I found out another truth that I never believed before:  these events really are more fun if I'm not drinking.  I think it's because I overall feel better, and also because I am not constantly on edge, trying to control my drinking, trying to ensure that I don't look like a drunk.  Now I can just relax and enjoy things. I feel fun more intensely now, too. It's fabulous!

I've been to two restaurants lately and sat at the bar because there were no tables. Once when meeting a colleague for dinner and another on date night.   I have no desire to do the bar thing again, next time it happens I will opt to go to another restaurant.  I was not tempted, but people at bars are there to get trashed and it was really annoying.

One area that I've always been worried about was my relationship with my husband. I still really don't know where we are going to end up.  We had a huge blow-up in April, when he was drunk and was playing with our son...and he put our son in a very dangerous situation.  Even drunk, he realized what he did was stupid.  I let him know after that episode that things were going to change:  he was going to keep his drunk shit away from our son, or I was going to leave and do everything I legally could to keep our son safe. We are fortunate that our son wasn't hurt or even killed.  Husband stopped drinking in the house after that for about 6 weeks.  It was a very nice reprieve and we got a lot closer emotionally.

Recently though, he has picked back up again.  He is back to being miserable to be around in the evenings and passing out on the couch. Yawn.

I still am not making any big moves about it overtly.  We are paying down debt and making previously-planned improvements to the house, which will help if we do end up separating down the road.  Hopefully though we will be able to stay off that path. I hope that he is seeing his own issues and takes charge of them.  I know I went through several attempts at moderating  before accepting that I really just needed to stop.  I hope he comes to the same conclusion.  We have a wonderful family and have built a very nice life together.

I am now in Belle's 356 challenge and got one of her "Fuck You, Wolfie!" bracelets.  Love it.

That's it, my big update.  I hope you're enjoying a lovely sober life as well, if that is your goal! And it is a worth goal, my friend!