Post-Easter musings

Well, my dear blog! It's been a while!

I remain happily, gratefully sober.

I've read several blogs where the author begins to feel differently around Day 120, and that's where I am right now.  I am starting to descend from the Pink Cloud.

Mostly what is going on right now is that I am much more clearly feeling my emotions.  I used to restrict myself from going onto Facebook or forums after one glass of wine, because I didn't want to get over-emotional. Now, I am actually over-emotional while sober! But I just deal with it, it's all good. Sober, I am not ashamed of an effusive post or comment- I used to emotionally twist in shame the following morning when drinking.  Now, it might be overdone but even so,  I actually mean it.

Sometimes though it takes a while for my ability to identify feelings.  For instance, it is Tuesday and I just realized today that I was feeling lonely on Sunday, which was Easter.  I was at my mom's house, with my cousins and their kids, an aunt/uncle, my mom, and my husband and son.  My cousins weren't drinking but all the other adults were.

I don't missing drinking at all, thankfully. I passed the wine, poured guests their wine, smelled it- and my reaction was the thought: I am free from this shit, thank you GOD!!!!!!!!!

I watched one adult (who generally doesn't care how trashed she gets) go all out for the holiday.  I watched my mom and husband carefully try to control their drinking. I was have a lot of experience doing both in the past and didn't miss either one.

But I did feel lonely. My cousins just don't drink much, they are 'normies.'  The rest of my family drinks a lot.  Like me, none of them have run into problems drinking, no DUIs, broken relationships, lost jobs, etc.  I am trying to avoid observing or judging them but it is impossible.  It is literally right in front of my face.  I can't help but see them trying to slow down, talk about "Oh, I'll have a little more, even though I shouldn't- tomorrow is a work day", then later sneak several additional small amounts in the glass- basically, do all the things that I've done for years.

I had no desire to join in- in fact, seeing it all just reinforces for me how awesome it is to be off that hook.  But I did feel as though I was in my own tree, so to speak.

I have been going to a women's AA meeting; I need to hang with those awesome ladies more often. It helps to talk this stuff through with people who are in the same tree, who have also experienced and successfully transitioned to a sober life.

It is such an odd thing- this place.  My day-to-day life hasn't changed much. I still get up, get my son ready for school, go to work, make dinner, try to clean in the evening and play with my son, get him into bath and bed, spend some time with husband, then get to bed myself. It's the same.

But emotionally/mentally the landscape has totally changed.  I am feeling all sorts of goals sort of well up, spring up, from inside. I want to get healthier, run more races, hang out with sober friends.   I am in the process of building a new life.  I feel like I am separating from my family. Hopefully it is just an overblown fear.