Six Weeks

My darling husband today asked me, "Hey- have you had a drink since Christmas?"

I smiled and said, "I haven't had a drink since before Christmas. It's been six weeks today, actually!"

Six weeks! Rockin'!

So what's going on at 6 weeks?  My inner conversation continues.

"You really don't have a problem. This is not a big deal. One beer would be delightful."

"It's not like you're an alcoholic!  This experiment proves it! No problem here.  Just a little wine, you're having company over tomorrow- you can have a glass then if you want."

I am usually able to dismiss these thoughts pretty easily. I'm just trying to sit and watch them come and go.  It's just noise.

What's harder is that I thought more things would change. I thought:

• I'd lose weight
• I'd remember more
• I'd do fewer stupid things (like forgetting to turn on the dryer after loading it)
• I'd lose more weight
• I'd be doing so many things differently, like going out more often

None of the items on the list have changed (at least not yet.)  These were motivations for me, and it's a bit disheartening to see that none of my hopes on them have panned out to date.

Still- even if I haven't lost weight, I look and feel better.

Even though I still forget things, and make stupid errors that I'd attribute to a tipsy/drunken evening, at least I'm not actively killing brain cells via wine!

While it's true that my social life still stinks, I am now reading, blogging, knitting, instead of drinking and it is much more productive! My brain is expanding rather than shrinking.

And most of all- I just feel so much better. I have my drinking buddy with me each night, and I can see that he is just not all that happy, especially by now, 11 PM EST.  He is tired, cranky.  He's not mean, or a dick, or out of control- he is just disgruntled.  And I think that is how I felt, too- it's not so much that things were wrong, as it was that things were just not right.

I am much more content and feel more stable, more peaceful, without drinking.  It is just better.

That's really the big surprise- how despite few real changes, the experience of life is so much better!

I feel happy and proud to be at six weeks; at the same time, it is a drop in the bucket for what I hope will be lifetime sobriety from here on.  I've been reading and I see that many people in the first few months don't lose much weight, crave a lot of sugar (and OMG! I have not eaten these many carbs in year!), and have the same kinds of mental conversations as I'm having.  I feel like I am right on schedule. Just have to keep on keeping on, as the saying goes....