Monday Monday

Wow, so I logged onto Living Sober this evening- within minutes I had people posting to me, saying Hi and Welcome. Totally lovely!

I am coming up on 6 weeks. In some ways, I feel like I am in a "new normal".  I very rarely get a "Wine o'clock" urge. I love looking forward to my teas and other lovely beverages, none of which are inebriating. I am enjoying my nights, playing with my son, reading again- novels, non-fiction books, and blogs- knitting up a storm, watching Outlander on demand when the boy and husband are asleep.

On the other hand- sometimes there are quiet moments with almost unconscious urges to grab a beer or open the wine.  It's odd, like hardly even a thought, more like a habit. Like how you might be driving home, thinking about an issue, and even though you get home safely you hardly remember how.

I have 20-some years of drinking habits, so I guess it's not too surprising that sometimes I reach for the bottle without thinking.  The main thing is- I always realize it before I touch anything.

It's odd- I really don't want to drink alcohol. I don't want to get buzzed or drunk. I watch my husband drink each night- he had a medical procedure done  (nothing serious) and has been out of work for the last week.  He is drinking more than usual since he doesn't have work. It looks boring as fuck to be honest. He's slurring, cranky, tired, unfocused. Falling asleep very early on the couch. There's nothing appealing about it.

And yet- my brain is working, questioning.
"If you can stop this easily, how can you think you have a problem?"
"It's not like anything went bad for you while you were drinking. No one even notices the change."
"Seriously, a wine tonight won't hurt anything."

Bah.  The fact is- I can't feel as good as I feel now if I drink, even a little bit of alcohol. I know this and repeat it often.  The fact is- alcohol is a poison. It really does nothing.  These are my truths and mantras.

It's funny how entrenched drinking is.  Jason Vale says it is the only drug that you have to defend against not taking. He says "I am a non-drinker. I am a non-heroin addict, too, but you wouldn't hold that against me."

I haven't run into any situations where people have asked me if I'd like a drink since the New Year, but even so, I found it interesting. Anytime I said "No thanks!" they wanted to know a reason why.  there is a belief that alcohol is so amazing, the only reason you'd abstain is if you had a problem with it.  Can't possibly be that alcohol just sucks, really.  I know a few people who always disliked drinking. I always thought they were weird, but now I think they were onto something.

My brain tries to convince me that There Is No Problem, so go ahead and have a drink!  I don't want to drink alcohol, problem or no problem.  I had a "Near Beer" (O'Douls) while watching football this weekend. It was great!  It actually tasted OK but didn't get me messed up. I had two, one each half of the game, and it was fine. I don't know if I could handle AF wine without being a trigger but the Near Beer was perfect for the game.

Anyway, glad to be at Day 40.  Onward!