More Holidays...Defensiveness....Denial....

I am reaching the time in the Christmas season where I am ready to go back to work, LOL!  I am so off-schedule, things are totally a mess in the house and out-of-whack. It will be a relief next week to get back to normal!

In the meantime...I had two more conversations today about my not drinking.  I am not sure how well I handled them, but I am glad to have gotten them out of the way.

The first one was from one of the first people I told in mid-ish December. I told her after she told me that her husband (who has had serious, life-threatening, life-changing issues this year) couldn't drink anymore without his limbs swelling up, and that she was going to stop drinking to support him. Both of them have had struggles with alcohol in the past, so I told her that I'd stopped for two weeks (at the time) and it was easy- I'd lost totally the desire to drink- and I'd loan her the books that got me there, if she wanted. She said Interesting, but passed on the books. No biggie.

Today she came over with her adorable young daughter. She asked if I was still not drinking, as she was thinking it would be nice to have a glass of wine or a beer.

"No drinking for me, but we have a ton of beer in garage fridge if you'd like one."

Then, she gave a little sound and I think she was trying to be nice to me, "Did you drink over Christmas and then stop again? Or just not drink at all."

"Didn't drink at all."

She made another small sound again and gave me a look that I interpreted as pity.

I don't remember exactly what she said, because I was already annoyed by feeling like she was pitying me. I would bet good money that whatever she said was meant to be supportive, probably something along the lines of "That's great! It's so hard to quit!".

But, my defensive hackles were fully raised. I don't even know if she really made any little sounds or looked at me with pity or anything. I just hated being asked.

I smiled breezily and asked her, "Did you miss knitting this Christmas?"

"Huh?"

"Knitting- did you miss knitting this holiday?"

"Um, no..."

"That's about how much I missed drinking this Christmas. It was fine, all good. "

"Oh! Good! That's great! You sure you don't mind if  I grab a beer?"

"Nope, I don't mind at all."

And I didn't. She grabbed a beer, I made tea and made our kids lunch.

I was ungracious enough though to look at the clock and note that it wasn't quite 12 noon yet.  I kept it to myself though. It's a holiday after all. She finished the beer, the kids finished lunch, and they left. (It wasn't until I was writing this blog post that I realized- I didn't even ask if she and her husband drank over the holiday. Rather self-absorbed of me, stuck in my own crankiness and defensiveness.)

I told my husband about it later on, as I didn't want him to think that the empty beer was from me. My husband doesn't like my friend much. He thinks she is a sloppy drunk because the last two times she came over she got pretty wasted. The last of those two times was a major turning point for me in deciding it was time to put the poison back on the shelf for good. Nothing to do with what my friend was doing- only instead of showing any kind of sense and taming back /slowing down, I went full-in.

Anyway, like all of us, she has her issues. She definitely becomes an "I Love You!" girl when drinking. But she is also one of the strongest women I know. I've known her since we were teens.  This year alone would have knocked anyone to their knees, going through what she and her husband have gone through.

I don't know how I am going to end up negotiating our friendship. It will be the same for many of my friends, especially those here, in this small town. We are all drinking buddies. I can't stress about it now though. I am not sure if this is just more total alcohol-like avoidance or just pragmatism. Like maybe it is best to get some time under my feet and let's see how it plays out. I am willing to bet just about every person is recovery has to work out the same issue!

The other conversation was via text with my sister-in-law. I much preferred the text conversation!  We were texting about tomorrow's New Years Eve party at her house.

"Are you drinking yet?"

"LOL! Nope, I am over it (drinking.) But I will cheer with/for you. :) "

"Wow...Did something happen that you stopped drinking."

"I just lost the taste for it...I like it better without drinking. Nothing really happened, more like a light switched.  But I don't care if anyone or everyone is drinking, rock on!"

"Hmmmm..strange...I will never lose the taste. Yum."

Then it just moved onto other NYE stuff.

On the one hand, I am glad to have prepped her already for me having my own sober fun tomorrow night.

On the other hand, I don't know how realistic it is for me to be so nonchalant.  I don't really want to be hanging out where everyone else is drinking. I know from past experience that there will be very few other light/non-drinkers at her party. Almost everyone will be getting trashed, including my husband (especially since I will be a designated driver.)  Most people stay over. Still, I have embarrassed myself at my SIL's parties often enough that it's another place where in the recent past, I have either not drank at all or really strictly moderated (at least until I got back home!). I know I can get through tomorrow night without drinking.

Also, while thankfully I really don't have the desire to drink- I think about drinking a LOT.  I am reading blogs, blogging, listening to The Bubble Hour podcasts (which are AMAZING!!).  I clearly still have the obsession.

In other words, I really wonder how much denial I am in right now? Well, as long as I don't drink it will work out, yeah? (I hope so!)

I am really envious of people who have normies in their life for support. I think I can ask my mom, but otherwise I'm pretty much at a blank, at least for now. To be honest, most of my drinking friends well exceed "normal" and would tell you that frankly.

I feel very much alone in my little world here. I looked up AA meeting and was thrilled to see that there are actually some meetings near here each day of the week! I knew of only one meeting and it was about 40 minutes away.  So I am going to hit up a meeting this coming weekend and see if I can't find some sober friends.

Happy New Years Eve Eve, ya'll!  It's another night and lovely to be sane and sober. Here's to another major 24 tomorrow!