Somewhere in my Fall reading of sobriety stuff, I found a reference to Allen Carr. I got his book on my Kindle and it changed things for me. A few weeks later, based on blogosphere/forum comments, I also picked up Jason Vale's Kick the Drink- Easily. They are both quite simpatico, I read somewhere that Jason Vale was an Easyway counselor- it would make sense!
In my previous post, I talked about having a lot of previous 12-step/AA/NA/Naranon experience. I worked my steps in Naranon and basically I believe very much in their program and philosophy. I live in the sticks now and there are very few AA meetings nearby. I am probably going to seek them out. I get stuck on the Alcoholic thing at the moment, but I don't want to quibble over it. I have sober friends in my old city but none here, and so I need to go find some. I am pretty sure I'll stumble over a few sober women in a meeting!
In the meantime, I want to hash out my current thoughts on alcohol, viewed through both philosophies and set against my recent Christmas Holiday experiences.
1. Carr and Vale: Alcohol is a powerful, addictive Poison. Period. The alcohol never changes- it the same alcohol whether the drinker is a 12 year old getting drunk for the first time, or a "normie" having his single beer while watching the Superbowl, or black-out drinker on bottle #2 of wine. It is the same poisonous, highly addictive substance for all of them. It is not a safe, harmless drink for anyone.
I agree with this. Anyone who has only a little bit of alcohol and then stops will be OK; anyone who drinks too much can die from it. People do die from it- Alcohol Poisoning. Anyone can survive a little bit of arsenic, too- it doesn't change the fact that the substance is poisonous. Most of us just love our alcohol too much to actually be able to accept that it is a Poison.
2. Carr: Addiction can be thought of as a Pitcher Plant. The addictive substance- whether it be nicotine, heroin, cocaine, alcohol- is like the nectar. The fly lands and takes a drink/hit; yum! If the fly keeps on drinking enough, he will get too big to easily fly off, and starts to move around a little. The Plant nectar is very sticky and the flies gets entangled. The more the fly struggles, the more entangled he gets. Then he realizes he is slowly sliding down the throat of the pitcher plant.
Any given drinker is just a fly somewhere on the slope of the Pitcher plant. If you keep drinking that powerful, addictive poison, you will find yourself in the gullet of the Pitcher Plant.
I found this image to be quite powerful. I think it is accurate. It is basically building off the first point, which is that Alcohol is a powerful, addictive Poison. The theory is: ANYONE who drinks enough alcohol will become addicted. This is not the current thinking, but I have read other research which supports it (specifically George Valliant's work on the 75+ year longitudinal Harvard Grant Study)
3. Carr and Vale: There is no such thing as a Alcoholic or Alcoholism, in the way it is current discussed. There is only Alcohol Addiction. We are brainwashed to think Alcohol is different from any other powerful, addictive poison, when it is not.
This is the controversial aspect of the books, and they piss a lot of people off.
However, if one agrees that Alcohol is an addictive poison, just like nicotine, heroin, cocaine, and that alcohol is an addictive poison for ALL people, just like nicotine, heroin, and cocaine, then it only makes sense that there is nothing special about someone who is addicted to alcohol- that person is just like anyone addicted to any other similar substance.
The reason we believe that there are Alcoholics is that as a society, we love alcohol so much that we have been brainwashed to believe that there is something wrong with the person who is addicted to alcohol. NONE of us want to be that person! We ALL want to be a person who can drink "normally"! We all want to be Normal Users, not Addicts!
For every other addictive substance, people CLEARLY see that the substance causes the problem. That is why there are not "heroin-holics" or "Cocaine-holics", where you know, people who lose control have a PROBLEM whereas all of the Normal Users are just fine, thanks!
It is just that one one wants to give up the alcohol. This particular drug is so deeply embedded in our society that we do not see it clearly. We are OK having a little bit of alcohol at a party, a wedding, etc. If you only had a coke line or two at those events you'd probably not become a cocaine addict either. But essentially you're taking the same risks.
There is a growing amount of evidence that addiction has a very strong genetic element to addiction. In my eyes, this does not change the point. One's genetic make-up merely adjusts one's speed down the throat of the pitcher plant. If one has a strong genetic link to addiction, it is going to take much less alcohol for the addiction to take hold than it might for someone without the genetic link; but anyone who drinks a 12 pack of beer each night for 20 years is going to end up addicted.
4. Carr: If there were Truth In Advertising, Alcohol would be called "DEVASTATION."
Vale: In addition to the damage done to the Drinker, there are CONSIDERABLE damages done via Passive Drinking: nearly everyone has somehow been negatively affected by drinking
These lines of thinking were a 1-2 punch for me. I can agree that Alcohol has been Devastating in my life, even though overtly nothing "bad" has happened. I haven't crashed a car, gotten a DUI, etc. But, my personal esteem has been tanked, I have been so ashamed and guilty of how I've acted, I know nothing good will come of me drinking. I have felt devastated and horrified after a night of drinking.
But when I've looked around, I couldn't say that Alcohol has been Devastating to others I know. My Mom, for instance, likes to have a glass of wine or two most nights and has for decades. To my knowledge it has not wrought anything bad for her.
BUT- if I pull out the view to include Passive Drinking, the view changes. My dad was nearly killed by a Drunk Driver when I was five, and his subsequent recovery changed our lives dramatically. My dad didn't even drink, but he suffered for almost 40 years from those injuries.
My mom's life was definitely devastated by that accident as well. Plus, her uncle died one New Years Eve by drunkingly falling through a glass patio door. Her best friend and cousin was an alcoholic in recovery, who died from AIDS in the 80s from a drunken one-night-stand.
Jason Vale says that going by one UK study, 50% of pedestrians struck and killed by automobiles were drunk- these are pedestrians, not the drivers.
Jason Vale is right IMO that Passive Drinking is not discussed. And yet it causes a tremendous amount of damage.
5. Carr and Vale: Addiction is primary a confidence trick. You will lose all desire to use once you see clearly what is going on . Once you truly, deeply understand that the substance gives you ZERO benefit and a LOT of downside, your desire to use at all will leave. Trying to use willpower only leads to misery and/or failure.
12 Steps: Willpower fails. A higher power can and will take away your desire to drink.
6. I am going to do something incredibly fucking arrogant here. I am going to write my own first two steps.
Step 1: I came to believe that Alcohol is a powerful, addictive, poisonous substance, and that my drinking is fucking up my life, turning me in to someone I don't want to be, and creating a life for myself and my loved that frankly sucks.
Step 2: Came to believe that willpower alone will not solve the addiction.
Step 3: Made a decision to turn my will and life to the care of God/Nature as I understand Her.
The rest of the steps talk about how to Live Sober- something that both Carr and Vale leave to us to figure out on our own.
I love the Carr and Vale books because their Confidence Trick worked for me. The GREAT thing about deciding to go sober during a time of normal celebration is that I have had ample opportunity to see that they are right: No one had any benefit to their drinking that I didn't have.
- The people who had a drink or two were just as normal and having just as good a time as I was. I didn't need a drink to match it.
- The people who had a lot to drink- well, it just reinforced that I do not want to be like that anymore. I don't want to be slurring, sloppy, repetitive, hungover, tired, or alternatively stressed and measured, putting all that effort into controlling what I was drinking, thinking "Oh, I really shouldn't have anymore" then 15 minutes later having another half glass, then another, then another etc. No thank you.
I keep both Carr and Vale books on my phone, so I can check in throughout the day if it's a rough one.
And at the same time, I do intend to work the steps. It is an excellent way to live: honest, present, compassionate, responsible, congruent, open.
And finally, one last thing for today.
This HAS to work. I am spiritual and pray all the time now for the sobriety to hold, for me to be able to create this new life.
My ex, L, he really tried. He worked the steps. He had a sponsor. He was open and followed all suggestions. He desperately wanted to be clean and sober and to keep it. He went to halfway houses, he volunteered for everything, he read the books and studied them. The Big Book says that there are some people who just can't maintain sobriety, and sadly, he was one of them.
He died two years ago. He wasn't even 40. His dear mom called me the day they found him, and since then we have been in touch and even recently got together. When L was alive, his parents ran a local Naranon meeting (started after they took me to my first one.) We were talking about how lucky they felt, because even though L was an addict, and did the horrible things addicts do when using, L also was able to keep some things from them. L wasn't angry or resentful with them, he didn't yell at them, he didn't have the Dr. Jeckell/Mr. Hyde thing that so many active addicts have. When he died, his parents were both devastated and also felt that he had really, truly struggled and tried his best but lost the battle. And that finally he was at peace.
But anyway, in my mind, I am terrified that I won't do this. I know you can do the right things, and still fail.
I do not want to fail. PLEASE God, Universe, Whoever- Please help! And THANK YOU for another day.
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