Jumping In!

Hello and Welcome!

Something changed in my life recently.  If you're interested, please settle in for a moment and I'll tell you a little about it.  I've got a nice cup of hot tea next to me, and if you were here with me in my living room I'd make one for you, too. I am envisioning this blog as a dear friend, and we are about to catch up. It will be bit one-sided but I hope not too much. As it is, my friends who don't drink live quite far away, and everyone I live with or who are nearby are drinkers, and I am not comfortable sharing my thoughts so freely with them yet. So hello, blogging world!

What was this change?  I've gone off the alcohol.  I enjoyed getting hammered for nearly 22 years, and, wow, has the cost risen in all manners- financially, spiritually, emotionally, health-wise.  I tested out moderation for nearly all of 2014- what an unholy pain in the ass. At best it was a hit-or-miss, and when I was able to do it, it was almost always shame-driven due to a prior failure.

Finally, the weekend before Thanksgiving, a friend came over, I decided "all things in moderation- including moderation!" and tossed back a bottle of wine and then some...and passed out, slurring, while attempting to read a bedtime story to my 4 year old. I don't remember it, though. I woke up, threw up, and went back to sleep. My husband told me about it the following morning. I've wrestled with drinking too much for ages, but never had been so obviously wrecked in front of my child.  I then realized that this was now really, truly, getting out of control.

I was off work all that week, and instead of sticking to my (tenuous at best anyway!) "Fri-Sun only" drinking, I drank every night, Monday-Sunday. I wasn't "out of hand" or black-out drunk, but I was "finally tuned" at three or more glasses of wine each night. I managed a sober  Monday night, but decided to have "just a glass or two" on a Tuesday evening. As usual, that "glass or two" turned into a bottle. I woke up at 3 in the morning, made myself throw up, took 800 mg of Ibuprofen to ensure I could get through work the following day, and decided that I REALLY was never going to do this again. That was it. I did not want to be this person, this drunk mom, this wet employee. It was time to change.

I'd found the blog Unpickled in the summer, and started Allen Carr's How to Control Your Drinking but hadn't finished it in September. Now I picked it up again and re-read it. Since that last night of drinking on Dec 2nd 2014 I have not had a drink. I have not really wanted a drink. I have felt all kinds of emotions and thought a ton about drinking since then, but thankfully have not been tempted to actually drink.

I am incredibly, kiss-the-ground gratefully that I haven't felt the desire to drink. Like many of the sober bloggers I've been reading these past few weeks, my spouse drinks. There is a ton of alcohol in my house- even more than usual right now, since we just hosted two Christmas parties. There are cases of beer, bottles of wine and other spirits, many gifts from the party attendees. I don't think I would be able to get by on willpower.

We had family over for Christmas dinner. As we were getting ready to sit down for dinner, I asked if I could fill anyone's glass, or get anyone a beer. I was the only adult not drinking, and except for when I was pregnant, it was a first to have a non-drinker at the Christmas table. My young son piped up, "All adults love wine and beer!"  Everyone laughed except me, I heard "getting him started early!" and "He's in the right family!" My son loved hearing this affirmation and beamed. I managed a tight smile.  My son just turned four years old, and this is what I have managed to teach him, what he has picked up. so far. Holy smokes.

I spoke with him about it when I put him to bed, and let him know that many, many adults didn't drink beer or wine or any alcohol. I am going to model it for him, I am changing things at least from my end.

This really cemented my view and agreement with Carr and Vale's contention that alcohol is hugely misunderstood and it is because society views it as normal.

Both Carr and Vale also argue that alcohol has absolutely zero benefit; we are brainwashed to believe that it is "fun" to get sotted and inebriated but it really isn't fun. And I see that.

I used to think alcohol was enormous fun. I thought I loved how it made me feel.

My view as of today: alcohol is like the Awesome Boyfriend who wooed and courted me. He made me feel lovely and fun and special, and everyone else loved him too and thought he is a Great Guy, and wanted him to come to all the get-togethers.

Today I see that he was NOT an Awesome Boyfriend. Feeling "Good" was being drugged, so that I didn't quite grasp that he was actually stealing my money, my time, my health. He was a steadfast companion who never left long enough for me to step back and realize that not only was he hurting me, but also he was hurting my CHILD. MY CHILD.

I looked on a blog today and used a widget; I found out that I am 25 days without a drink today. May it become 2500 and many, many more.