Mid May Check In

Hello Blog world! 

It's been about 8 weeks since my last post.  So much for accountability, eh? HAHAH.

My brain has been doing much better lately.  Yesterday I felt quite dizzy in the evening, but I attribute this to the massive amount of tree pollen that just dropped and to which I am allergic.  I was outside most of the day.  I have had hardly any allergy symptoms this year, I think it caught up to me yesterday!

Really, although I have some "DOH!" issues, lately it's been more vision that cotton brain.  I feel like I have some spirit self or other mischievous gremlin popping in and moving things on me.  I spent 5 minutes the other day looking in the pantry for a huge open bag of raw cashews that I knew I had just put in their days before.  I gave up and grabbed my newer, un-open bag.   I opened the new bag, took what I needed, went to put the bag back, and there, literally right in the center of the middle shelf, was my old bag!  D O H!  This is totally different than cotton brain, and I will happily take this weird vision thing instead.  I am pretty sure it is the norm for my son and husband as they can never find anything in the fridge or pantry!

I am doing much better with food planning.  I would say I am about 98% vegetarian and about 92% vegan in the last month.  I feel great physically and I am super happy about the improvements in my son's diet as well.  He "kid approved" the chocolate pudding I made this morning.  He has no idea that the base is sweet potatoes, and it has 1/4 cup steamed/blended cauliflower, plus flax seeds and mushroom powder and dates, plus some almond milk.  It has about 1/2 cup of monkfruit/erythritol too but I feel OK about it- there is about 3 cups of pudding made so it's not a ton per serving and the rest of the ingredients are plants in their natural (or very close to it) form.   It tastes like normal chocolate pudding and is SO good!

I am sort of combining the diets espoused by Drs Greger, Furhman, and McDougall.  It takes a bit of planning but overall I am really enjoying this high carb, low fat, plant based way of eating. I am down about 11 pounds since my last post in March.

Years later

 Hello, great and vast Blog World! I am back. It's not New Years or anything where I am starting up a new resolution (and anyway, I am still struggling on my 2020 NY resolutions of meal planning!)

I have not had an alcoholic drink since Dec 2 2014 and I am still blissful about it.  Still very much in love with sober living, may it be ever so!  My life is far superior to what it could have been had I not made that one simple yet impactful change. 

No, instead, something else is bringing me back: the desire to document changes with age.  I will be fifty this year.  Although I could die today or tomorrow, I am going to act as if I will live to 100 and consider this Half 2 of life.  If I want to actually get to 100, I have some changes to implement.

And, being honest, I want to document the (hopefully? age-related?) change that I have been experiencing, which really galls me and sends me down the Contingencies pathway.   I think of it as "cotton brain".  

Cotton brain comes and goes. I first started noticing it in 2018, where I had a very stressful job.  My heart rate was consistently up about 20 beats per minutes into the 80s (it's usually in the high 50s/low 60s), and I just couldn't think very well.  I see the term "brain fog" and it's probably describing the same thing- my head just feels like there is a ton of interference, like my head is full of cotton and my thoughts have to travel around it. 

Today is a "clear" day.  I feel mostly pretty good head-wise.  I want to track the days as far as the cotton brain goes and see if I can pick up some trends, things that seem to work vs things that don't seem to work.   I want to track stress level, diet, sleep, and anything else that might be going on.

So, starting today, Sunday March 28th

Brain Clarity:  feels about a 6 or 7 on a 10 point scale where 10 is crystal clear, sharp and 1 is can't function.

Stress: Low (calm and rainy Sunday, house is already clean, no items on the agenda)

Sleep: Medium (6 hrs, 30 mins)

Exercise: TBD, yesterday got 10k steps and also went on a 5 mile bike ride with my son.  This amount of exercise is unusual but it was good!

Diet: Yesterday,  was so-so.  Went on that bike ride but then had a small soft cone with son afterwards.  Meat-free but not dairy-free. 

I am cooking today to prep for the week.  I am roasting veggies (eggplant, red and yellow peppers, garlic),  have soaked some Great Northern Beans, will prep up some soup and also make a huge salad and split it up into containers for me, my husband, and my son.  

My overall goal has been to be about 90% vegetarian and 80% vegan- e.g. limited amounts of animal product.  

Misc:  I am on day 2 past my first COVID vaccine (Moderna).  I had a few side effects:  I had a short-lived metal taste in my mouth that was gone by yesterday morning (so fewer than 24 hrs), plus soreness in my left arm where I got the shot. That is done this AM, so not quite 48 hrs post the shot.) Also, I had weird muscle? neuro? pain in my other arm,  in my wrist area, which I thought might have been not related to the shot at all but possibly carpal tunnel or a similar computer-related injury. I live on my laptops (business and personal) and thought perhaps working on computers for 21 years has been catching up to me.  But the pain is gone this AM, so we'll see if it returns prior to Shot #2.   I will give it a week and then will  hop into VAERS to report the symptoms (https://vaers.hhs.gov/ if you're interested and have any vaccine side effects to report.)

Lessons from the 1st workweek of the year:

1. Meal Planning isn't sufficient for our household.  It works much better when the meal is fully (or almost fully) and ready to go at 4:45/5 PM.  Too much prep needed at the time of cooking means it will either not get done and we will just scavenge the house/fridge for packaged meals, or it will get done after substantial snacking around 5 plus dinner around 7.  This is not meeting our goal of eating less/healthier.

2. Focus on having meals prepped and ready to go and less on the actual meal planned for that day.  My planner has "Meatless Monday",  "Seafood Tues",  "Roast Anything Wed",  "Taco Thurs",  'Seafood Friday",  "Anything Goes Sat" and "Roast Sunday."  So far, none of those expected meals happened on the expected day (but Tacos tonight and seafood does look likely.)  Monday's meal got served last night as I finally had enough time to actually do the 15 min prep and get it going. 

What is working though is having the meals in the house and knowing what will go into them.  I have food in the house for five more meals and even if they aren't in the order that is expected, it is great to know generally what we have and what it will take to get it ready to go.  We had Monday's meal last night and Tuesday's meal (fish sticks) on Monday. 

3.  Days will go more smoothly if prepped snacks are included.  I have salad that still isn't chopped up.  But the carrots, celery, and peppers that were chopped up are used.  YUM.

4.  The Instant Pot and slow cooker are incredible tools which are making this so much easier.

So full prep is really the key for this to work.  Last night I cooked up a ton of chicken, half shredded in the Instant Pot for Tacos tonight and half roasted for lunches.   Friday is a seafood chowder which will cook in the slow cooker all day (seafood in at the end.)

So I stepped up the prep last night and tonight and Friday are ready to go.

The husband and I went with our son for his annual check up last week.  He has always been tall,  he has consistently been in the 95% percentile for height and usually around 85% for weight.  At his age, this has now flagged him as just on the edge of being overweight.  It's the first time an MD has indicated that we need to watch his weight so he doesn't go over the line. 

My husband has always been tall and thin; just in the last two years has he gained any real weight in his life.  He was shocked and angry.   I've noticed since high school that my perception of someone else's weight was affected by how much I weighed at the time; for instance, now that I am obese, people who are overweight look pretty normal to me.  I became overweight in my early 30s and have bounced back and forth between being obese and overweight for the last decade, since having my son.  My son looks very normal to me;  I mean, I can see that he has filled out a bit looking at his school pictures this year vs last year, but I would not think he was overweight or even close to it.  Perception. GAH.

I do not want to start him on this horrible weight treadmill.  This has hugely increased my motivation to make this meal planning/prep thing work.

Starting a New Year with a New View

Welcoming in 2020

It's been such a long time since I've updated this blog.  I had a silent self-celebration on Dec 3rd,  as it was an anniversary, I stopped drinking five years ago!  It remains one of the best decisions of my life.  Just about every day something reminds me to be grateful for being sober.  I can't even count the number of beautiful and amazing things that have happened, or that I've been able to do, since I put alcohol aside and made room for so much more in life!

Half a decade later, and as I approach half a century overall of life,  I want to make some additional changes to further enjoy the opportunities and riches of life while also building strength to face life's challenges.   I am returning to the blog to create and document my plan, and to document the journey. This will also be a tool for my own self-accountability.

Broadly, my goal is to increase health for me personally and also for my family.   I am focused on physical health, spiritual health, and financial health. 

Physical Health: I need to lose a lot of weight- about 40 pounds.  In the past I've successfully lost up to 25 lbs using Weight Watchers and once again on low carb diets, but I have failed to keep them going.  As my husband and I have gotten busier at our jobs, we have stopped having regular home cooked meals with non-processed foods.  It's affecting me, my husband, and my son.  My son remains a healthy weight likely due to his sports and youth, but it's only a matter of time.   My job is also sedentary and I have not been exercising consistently. 

Part A:  Food
Goal:  Have at least 4 home cooked meals each week.
Goal:  Eat at least 5 servings of vegetables/fruits daily.  Limit fruits and focus primarily on veggies.
Plan to achieve goal:  Plan and prep meals on Sundays. Include:

• Plant-based breakfasts and lunches during Sunday planning/prep.  
• Ensure cut up carrot/celery/peppers/broccoli/cauliflower are available as nightly munchies.
• Cook up soup and stocks to ensure plant/based soups are available for snacks, lunches, and dinner

Part B:  Movement
Goal: Increase movement per Fitbit from 8k to 9k steps/day by the end of Feb and up to 10k the remaining months of the year
Goal: Complete at least one 5k with my son
Plan to achieve goal:  Walk at least 20 minutes per day and complete a Couch to 5k program.

Spiritual Health:  I've grown a lot in spiritual health over the last few years.  I was able to circle the square in regards to Christianity in my head and decided to go with the main messages.   I guess as part of Adulting, I've realized that having 100% agreement with anyone or any philosophy is a rare occurrence in real life.  I believe Jesus walked the earth and I believe primarily in his message, that works for me.  I grew up Catholic and haven't really read much of the Bible.  I'd like to change that and I'd also like to learn how to meditate.

Goal:  Increase knowledge and practice of spiritual texts and methods to generate feelings of peace and centeredness.
Plan to achieve goal:  Read at least one spiritual chapter or text weekly
Plan to achieve goal:  Meditate at least once weekly


Financial Health: This is a simple one (not easy, maybe not achievable, but the method is simple).  I want to increase  my retirement contributions.  My husband takes off 6 consecutive weeks each year unpaid;  this is required per his contract.   We live on my salary clearly when he is not working.  However, in 2020, our goal is to save my salary until we have a year's amount (bare bones) in cash.  This will likely take the full year.  We were able to save up 12 mortgage payments over the last two years;  we'll have to double that to get to a full year's savings.  Also, my take home will decrease since I'm increasing what is going into my retirement account. Glamorous, right?

Goal:   Increase retirement to maximum allowed in 401k and increase savings to full year in savings account.
Plan to achieve goal:  Automate paycheck settings to max 401k.   Update paycheck/workplace settings once Husband has completed his 6 weeks off (around early Feb) to deposit check into savings instead of checking. 
Plan to achieve goal:  Review spending/savings/ budget at least weekly to ensure we are staying on track.  Modify as needed.

Finances will start in Jan.  But physical and spiritual can start today.

It's Sunday so I am off to work out meal planning.  I'm off work tomorrow so will get meal prep done then.

Clear, Sane, Beautiful a Sober Holidays

Merry Christmas, happy holidays!

It's been a very busy week! I finished Christmas shopping, wrapped the presents, bought our goods for hosting Christmas dinner. My sister came home for the holidays, which was great! We've either hosted or gone out somewhere for the  past three days, and my mother-in-law is coming over tonight. It's the last of our holiday outings; we will spend the next week relaxing in our home.

Even though it's been busy, it's been lovely. I've felt relaxed, it's all gone smoothly. I tend to feel more grateful and aware of the superior loveliness of a life without booze on the holiday occasions, when there is so much of it around.  I sometimes worry that I'm becoming an alcohol nazi, because it all looks like alcohol addiction to me. I look at people in my family drinking, and very few people would ever think they had a problem, just like no one thought that I had a problem. But it still looks gross to me. Red faces, loud voices, exaggerated emotions, slurring words, "I better have some water, thanks" before drinking another three glasses so wine. That's "normal" in my family.

I am so incredibly grateful to be "abnormal", feeling good, clear-headed. I can't imagine ever willingly doing that to myself again. I do still have thoughts like "it would nice to have a drink" or "maybe someday I'll have a glass of wine", but these thoughts are fleeting. I know that the idea that alcohol has any benefit is a societal delusion.

One very beautiful thing this year is that my husband is not drinking. He has gone on a medication which is toxic to the liver, his doctor told him that he couldn't even have a glass of wine at Thanksgiving unless he did not mind ending up on a liver transplant list. He has had a few drinks on at least one, and I suspect two or three, occasions. But he has been almost entirely sober since early November, and it's rocked, at least for me. We are getting along incredibly well. He has appeared, and he's said, that this has been among his favorite Christmases ever, we've had a great time! He has another 7 months to go on the medication. I don't know what will happen once he's done the medication, but I am just going to enjoy it for now.

The Paradox of Alcohol

While I was on vacation, one of the adults, M, came up to me.  She had had a few drinks and was "finely tuned", shall we say.  M is a lovely person- very kind, friendly, caring.  She asked me,  "So you're not drinking at all?  It's so great that you're getting healthy and fit! Isn't it hard to stop drinking?"

"No, stopping drinking has actually been my favorite part!  Everything has come from that decision, it's like running and everything else feels great now."

"It's just a big thing to do though- not drinking!"

"No, it's not that big a deal really.  Once it's down it just fades into the background. Hey, Mom and I were talking about going kayaking tomorrow- do you want to come?"  I switched the subject and we moved on to something else.

It is such a funny thing, this drinking and not drinking.  It was and it wasn't hard to stop.  The actual not picking up a drinking is so easy, so simple.  

The trick is in the mindset.  It's tricky to change one's focus from drinking to, well, just about anything else.  It takes work and acceptance.  I will be forever grateful to authors Allen Carr and Jason Vale, because it was their work that showed me that there was nothing to gain from drinking. Both have the readers continue to drink while the book is being read, so that you can test their theories for yourself.  It sounds incredible to anyone who drinks but truly, there is just zero benefit to drinking.

Now, when I am with people who are drinking, I can see people who are basically "normies", who have one, maybe two beers over hours, and I can see that they are not getting anything really out of the drink. They aren't getting buzzed.  They are doing it to be "sociable" and might as well had a soda.   And I can see the rest of the people drinking being affected by the alcohol, and it no longer looks fun or enjoyable to me.  And certainly it is no fun to be trying to control the drinking, and this is so clear to see, at least with the women.  I see them trying to drink water between wines to manage to not get too drunk but still be able to drink; trying to wait for enough time to pass between drinks so they can get buzzed but not too buzzed; knowing they "should" stop but not wanting to, eyeing the bottle.  I did all of that, except I was going to drink more once they left or I got home. I don't know if any of the women in my group do that, probably not. I can say though, it is much less work to drink only tea or other non-alcoholic drinks!

One of the real eye-openers while I was on vacation was just how much LESS I think about drinking now.  And that includes going to one recovery meeting/week, plus reading blogs, listening to sober pod casts, etc.  I thought that I still had a pretty big focus on alcohol...until I was in a house full of drinkers.  Of the people there, I would guess that one or two have "alcohol problems", everyone else are just fairly heavy drinkers.  People were talking about drinking or actually drinking the entire day long.  They were talking about going to the beach, and having wine later.  Going kayaking and being so ready for that well-earned martini afterwards.  Going fishing and could they they bring beer.  Etc.

Outside of vacation, I often wonder if I would be thinking even less about alcohol if my husband didn't drink.

Because it has been true for me:  as time has gone on, I think about drinking less and less.  It's been nearly a full 10 months, and I spend the vast majority of my time focused on living life, enjoying my son, prepping for the next challenge, the next task.  I don't think about drinking when something good or bad happens, or when I've got something to celebrate.  One day I hope I think about it only very rarely, maybe at holidays because I'll be back around family. One day...

It's funny to me that something so little has the power to have such a huge effect on individuals, family, and society.  I look forward to the day when alcohol is just nothing to me,  because it is basically gone from my life.  I read or watch Jason Vale's latest work on juicing and fitness, and it sure looks like alcohol is but a passing thought to him. There is no alcohol in his juicing resorts. I doubt he has many drinkers around him at all.  He self-identifies as a "non-drinker".  I like that and will have a post up soon about it.

For now though, I am pondering that paradox, how something so small- just a drink!!!- could be so powerfully embedded into our culture.  We have a very powerful delusion going on, a fixed false belief that alcohol makes everything better.  It is among the most successful advertising in the world. Alcohol does not make anything better, and that is the truth.  It's just a neuron-killing high, it makes you think you feel better as it takes away your money, your health, your brain cells, your liver cells, your time, your memory.  No thanks. I'll stick with tea!

Calmer Skies Today

Ah, today has been a new day.  I read through Unsmashed's blog and it is awesome!  She is really inspirational. I can really relate to her early days of trying to keep everyone the same, and also she is one of the bloggers who live with a husband who still drinks and whose family is full of drinkers.

She made a smarter decision than I have re meetings. She went to more meetings, and she built up a good support group early on, once she hit her last Day One.  It has been suggested to me that I need to go to more meetings to stay sober.  My issue has been, I have only very rarely been tempted to drink.  Even my beer bottle "stare-downs" and "Better be sure of this because you're about to destroy your family" moments are not really about me drinking, they have been about me trying to avoid disrupting my family.  I have been fortunate (knock wood, anti-jinx) to not have much of a desire to drink.  So I haven't worried too much about hitting up meetings to counter-act the desire for a drink.

But I really, truly need to go to more meetings, meet more people, be in the company of people who live happily and freely without alcohol.  I haven't wanted to disrupt my husband and son's lives more and I've been loath to reply on my husband; but I am looking seriously at divorce, that is a major disruption, so might as well start small now, eh?  And maybe hopefully avoid the divorce thing.

This was a much calmer day.  My husband and I spent most of it together, running post-vacation errands while my mom watched our son.  It was peaceful and actually quite lovely.   We ended up holding hands and will be watching a movie together tonight.  If he opts to stay sober it might end up being a fabulous day.  These are the days I wish we could have every day.

I think I need to find an additional prayer.  When I was on vacation, "Bless them, heal me please" was my mantra. It was very helpful.  But maybe re my husband, maybe I need to double-down on the Serenity Prayer--  accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, wisdom to know the difference.  Really, maybe wisdom, acceptance, serenity is all that is needed.

I just don't know.  I want to be serene and reach indifference on whether or not the husband is drinking.  I just don't know if it is possible or even a smart goal.  His drinking doesn't affect my drinking; it is a tolerance issue on my end.  I don't want to invest my time, my heart, my future, into a partner who uses alcohol regularly.  I know it's not fair to him, and for sure it isn't fair to my son.

Well, it's been suggested to me that when I don't know what to do, to do nothing.  It goes against my nature to not make a plan of action, to not make contingencies. Well, I have them in my head already anyway.  But it was a lovely day today, I will just enjoy it.